I. I. Get A Star Son: The surefire underpinning of a successful Bollywood blockbuster. If Hrithik Roshan or Abhishek Bachchan cannot spare you any dates, there is no lack of prodigious progeny in Mumbai. If you can't find a star son, settle for second best - a stuntman's son. But never go in for a comedian's son; all they're good for is recording albums.
2. Cast A New Starlet: Moviegoers are bored with the same old faces. Even the same old faces are bored with themselves and have opted for plastic surgery. However, what you need is someone no moviewatcher has seen before. Hype her, but hide her. So, if she's a dog, you lose nothing. Make sure that the most important part of her anatomy, her bellybutton is perfect. Anyway, don't bother beyond that; these starlets have a one-film career span.
3. Get AR Rahman: Every film sells on the basis of its soundtrack or AR Rahman. Great music tends to force the gullible public into believing that the film itself will measure up. Most films, in fact, string together several songs with a couple of lines of dialogue thrown in for a change. If you can't get Rahman, get a music director who is creative; in other words, can plagiarise.
4. Choose Your Location Carefully: Picturise each of your songs in some picturesque locale. Switzerland, the Great Barrier Reef, Mauritius, it has to be exotic. Beaches help, then you can undress the leading pair without resorting to a waterfall sequence. It doesn't matter if the rest of the film is shot in Meerut as long you get the song locations right. f you're really strapped for cash, then you'd probably have to settle for Lonavla or Ooty, but ensure that there are enough firangs cavorting around so that no one can make out the desi location.
5. Send Your Music Videos To All The Channels: They'll play your song over and over again. They don't have any original programming worth watching. So everyone will believe that this heavy rotation is due to the quality of the product you've generated. Remember, if you can get the college kids to hum your theme, you've got it made. And since they've even been heard humming ad jingles, that shouldn't be too difficult.
6. Choose The Name Of Your Film Carefully: First, you have an important decision to make, one that'll decide the fate of your film. Will you call it Something No. I, maybe Pappu No. I or Khichdi No. I, or settle for something even catchier like any four words of Hindi strung together. Remember it should abbreviate into something even catchier like QSQT, DDLJ, or KNPH. Be careful because abbreviations may backfire, especially if your film's called Yeh Unhe Chahiye Kya.
7. Tie Up With A Cola Company: Do that and all your promotion worries are taken care of. They'll create the ads that'll star your stars and sell the film, create the buzz and you'll save crores off the advertising budget. Also try and build branding into your film and earn more commercial revenue.
8. Find A Director: It doesn't matter if all the established directors are too busy or too uninterested in working with you. You can always "introduce" a new director who'll "change" the face of movie making in the country. Upgrade a cinematographer to director or at a crunch, even the spot boy or the clapper boy will do.
9. Give Loads Of Interviews: Talk, talk and talk some more. Create controversy. Leak news about the leading couple carrying on behind the set. The trade glossies will lap up the gossip. The more scurrilous the better. You can always deny it, sue the magazine and get even more coverage from its competitors. Tackle the newspapers and talk of the "intellectual" value of your project even if it's actually a shade below bathroom humour. Say you've been influenced by some obscure Serbo-Croat filmmaker. Speak of the twists in the plot even if that means that instead of the hero getting the girl in the end, the heroine gets her man.
10. A Script?: Not fundamental to a successful film. You can make up lines as you go along. No one pays attention to the plot anyway and you can always claim extra credit for writing the story!


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