2. Hillary Clinton: It transpires that Nawaz Sharif has the hots for Bill's wife. In fact, when the Americans were discussing the CTBT with India and Pakistan, they dangled a Presidential visit as a sop to signing the treaty. Sharif cooed: if Hilary came, he would definitely come. Hilary's response: "It'll be a cold day in hell before he pokes my butt." The message somehow got garbled to "It'll be in Kargil that he pokes my butt." So he ordered the invasion.

3. Najam Sethi: He can walk english, he can talk english, so he must be a RAW agent. And so, another journalist hits the bars -- face first, that is. During interrogation, the torturers asked Sethi where the secret papers were. Sethi, who had already taken enough in the neck, tried to say ''cargo, cargo", but the broken teeth and jagged tongue made it sound as ''kargil, kargil''.

4. Star Wars: Exciting battles in the middle of barren landscapes. A planet invaded wth the help of wierd-looking alien mercenaries. A ruler threatened by the Dark Side. No, we're not talking of Kargil, we are referring to The Phantom Menace, a movie which threatens to earn more than Pakistan's GDP. Hey, maybe that's why they've invaded Kargil! Except they're forgetting about the big meltdown in the end.

5. Pizza: They ran out.

6. Those Cute Indian Fighter Pilots: The Pathans have been hungry for new maal ever since the Pakistan team has been on tour. So the invasion of Kargil was planned, in the hope that some Indian Air Force fighter jets would buzz around. They were obliged, one was shot down, and the pathans marveled at the hunky pilot with the gorgeous buttocks. Unfortunately, he had to be returned.

7. Low road to Bradford: Pakistan remains such a crappy place that everyone is still trying to escape (like Benazir, for instance). Pakistanis, however, were never blessed with insight, foresight, or even hindsight. So the destination of choice remains Bradford, that paradise from the industrial revolution, situated in the heart of the English midlands. Some Pakistanis think that if England is a cold place, it must be somewhere near Kargil.

8. Asif Zardari: Nawaz Sharif's government has recently beat the shit out of Benazir Bhutto's husband. After which it was announced that he had tried to commit suicide. It even took photos of Zardari and released them to the international press -- but the photos only confirmed that the government had indeed beaten the shit out of Benazir's husband. So what does this have to do with Kargil? Nothing, other than the fact that India is now beating the shit out of them.

9. Bangladesh: Pakistan of course remains resentful that half of it was snatched away and made into a whole new country in 1971. Salt was rubbed in the wounds when the minnows (no pun intended) of the World Cup competition actually beat them in their league match. Thus the Kargil adventure is actually a trial run for an invasion of Bangladesh, to recapture it for Pakistan, to add to its glory and impoverishment. Only thing is, there are no mountains in Bangladesh.

10. The ISI Chief: The Kargil invasion is a secret deal between him and the RAW chief, both of whom can now go on a long golfing vacation while their respective armies try to clean up the mess.