1. Sonia Gandhi: It will finally prove to both her critics as well as the majority of voters who rejected her last time around that she is a true bharatiya bahu. That she ought to do it is justified by the fact that her party after Nehru did nothing to distance the people from beliefs such as Sati. Though technical objections may be raised that her husband was cremated way back in 1991 - Hinduism talks about the twice-born, not the twice-dead -- she can jump into the pyre of the Congress party, whose death she is hastening.

2. Benazir Bhutto: Bereaving over the death of democracy in Pakistan, she can easily jump into the massive pile of currency notes she is burning with gay abandon in the safe confines of west London, while the luckless Mr Sharif is set to face the gallows. Though technical objections may be raised to her being a Muslim, and thus prohibited from performing obscurantist Hindu rituals, in this case an exception can be made.

3. Kalyan Singh: Poor fellow was booted out! Oh Boo Hoo! Boo fucking Hoo! Went to Ayodhya and nearly jumped into the pyre of inner party democracy, but thought, hey, this thing's only for women!

4. The Pope: The pontiff is so decrepit and at the end of his tether that when he walks, he appears to be a special effects creation from a Star Wars film. Enraged that his programme of leading Asia out of darkness went up in flames due to the machinations of some equally medievalist hordes from India, Pope John Paul is likely to blindly shuffle into those flames, leading to the obvious successor: Pope George Ringo.

5. Uma Bharti: The sexy sanyasin's fiery love for the BJP's resident shriveled raisin, Govindacharya, went unrequited. Obviously, she should jump into the pyre of her heartbreak, and hopefully, Govindacharya will follow suit to prove how his party is leading Hinduism into modernity by not discriminating on the basis of gender.

6. J Jayalalitha: Sasikala is said to be suffering from an unnamed disease that strikes only lesbians from Tamil Nadu. If she goes, then so does the former Chief Minister, who appears to be tiring of waiting for Karunanidhi to fall. Problem is, the only pyre big enough for the lady from Poes Garden is in Pokhran, and the Government does not seem keen on using it again.

7. Sangeeta Bijlani: With the unseemly way in which hubby Azharuddin has been removed from the international cricket scene, and with the huge debts from a lavish lifestyle having piled up, the only option left before this glamour couple is to take the plunge. Sponsorship spots on the pyre have already been sold, however, with the main tie-up going to a soft drinks giant. There are rumours that a rival soft drinks concern is trying to get Raveena Tandon, currently linked to another cricket superstar, to do a parallel Sati.

8. Prince Charles: His wife died, didn't she? He believes in organic architecture and alternative medicines, doesn't he? He has the opiated look in his eyes, doesn't he? He belongs to the most reactionary, conservative and status quoist family in his land, doesn't he? He likes to wear women's underwear and imagine he's a tampon, doesn't he? Trouble is, he's so cold, he's such a wet blanket, we're afraid his presence will just douse the fire.

9. Deepa Mehta: Nobody likes the films she's made, nobody likes the stars she's made, and nobody likes the money she's made. Let's face it - nobody likes her. She's just too ugly. We think she should jump into the next pyre she sees, instead of trying to put it on celluloid and trying to pass it off as sociology or history.

10. The ISI Chief: Since Jaal will one day be closed down for all the libelous stuff we put on our site, we nominate the ISI chief to jump into Jaal's funeral pyre for us. He owes us this at the very least, considering how we have consistently championed his cause.