I. Sonia Gandhi: Strange Italian variant of the Black Widow species, with only two legs and a shahtoosh shawl, with a diminishing cult following. Infinitely more hungry, though. Black Widows are known for their deadly embrace and strange bedside manners (not to be confused with table manners, even though there is always that temptation) and the `afterwards' pictures usually show the male spider being put in its proper place, morsel by slow morsel. Having administered the Congress party the kiss of death, no amount of political mouth-to-mouth is likely to resuscitate this defunct organisation from oblivion. Congressmen usually vie with each other for the walk-on parts in the movie version named To Die For. Jaal has reliably learnt that the script is notable for the Sonia Blink, which she turns on from time to time. Apparently the fade-out scene is chilling because of the Blink Blink, Party On The Blink theme song, rendered by Arjun Singh, Mani Shankar Aiyar and assorted choristers, known for amazing talent at complex harmonics stemming from the musical possibilities of the Good Word viz., Sonia.

2. The Indian Cricket Team: The one cricket team that is a sure loser in any league, even if the other side comprises entirely of Antarctic pigmy penguins who haven't a clue as to what a cricket bat looks like. Much practice has gone into honing this completely enviable ability to lose match after match after match even from the most win-win situation possible. This talent is 13-man deep. The term nightwatchman has gone out of vogue, simply because the Indian team usually does a brutally efficient job of accomplishing the goal of self-destructing on the pitch in the least possible time. After the match you can usually go home for a thoughtful lunch. Jaal would also like to state, for the record, all this would not have been possible without the necessary back-up from our cricket selectors. (See our June issues for further details). If this team comes away on top in this current cricketing massacre in Down Under, we at Jaal are prepared to eat our words. (We are especially delighted with this formulation because this is only going to be an act of virtual eating, if at all, since eating words are the exclusive prerogative of print journalists with abnormal eating habits, and there has been no recorded instance of internet-related incidents of word-eating binges- Ed)

3. Atal Bihari Vajpayee: Has about as much political charisma as in-grown toenail. Is Prime Minister solely because of a naturalised Indian of Italian origin who too is not famous for political charisma. Famously said `not one grain' of Pakistani sugar was imported after Kargil. Technically he is right, they imported more than one grain, much more than one grain of Pakistani sugar, a process that began shortly after Vajpayee became PM. Also said no improper import of wheat was made under his stewardship after explicitly having given the go-ahead to purchase Australian wheat destined for South India which everybody knows is rice eating country. Now south India is ankle deep in overstocked wheat, and quietly Vajpayee has increased wheat import tax to 50%. Talk about chutzpah. If you think that Vajpayee is adept at talking with his eyes closed, you should see the Opposition. It is comatose.

4. Jaswant Singh: (See inaugural issue for prescient ability to spot a yo yo from afar). Strobe Talbott's stenographer in chief. Has elevated mumbo-jumbo to a fine art. (He can talk for an entire hour to an audience at the end of which only some members of the National Security Advisory Board break into unrestrained applause while the rest of the audience remains highly confused and utterly in the dark for days afterwards.) After eight rounds with Strobe Talbott, talks constantly nowadays about the ``pre-98 position''. Considering the amount of loud kissing sounds that reportedly emanate from within whenever Jaswant Singh is secretly in the same room as Strobe Talbott conducting his secret `dialogue' (is that what they call it nowadays?), we, at Jaal are intensely curious about this ``pre-98'' position. Even in the land of Kama Sutra that is a new one. We invite readers to put on their (thinking) caps in order to arrive at this ``pre-98 position.''

5. Communist Party of India (Marxist): Election Commission has asked this party to show cause why it cannot be de-notified as being an all-India party. Sources in the party have told Jaal that this is by itself a welcome development since there is no other way the party is able to make its way into newspaper headlines. The to-and-fro with the Election Commission is likely to arouse lively but completely academic interest in the party. This is probably to give wily party stalwarts to cobble together an anti-Congress and anti-BJP Third Front to with pan-India pretensions. Jaal would like to cite this ability of the party to move with the times as being in keeping with an evolutionary rather than a revolutionary character.

6. V N Narayanan: This name is designed to attract the reader's curiosity. Was self-effacing (and with good reason) Editor of an English daily based primarily in Delhi who is best knows for his experiments at word-laundering in his Sunday `Musings' column. In other words he got caught indulging in an act of unabashed plagiarism by the moral police. Most notable only for his minimalist approach to linguistic camouflage of an otherwise popular English columnist. We at Jaal salute his long career. Obviously a pioneer, he will always be a rich source of inspiration and strength. (We at Jaal note carefully that with a reputation and reported record such as his, V N Narayanan probably can never be made to eat his own words thereby setting very high standards for journalism! - Ed)

7. Brajesh Mishra: Again a reheated outtake from our inaugural issue. We feel compelled to include his name for not doing so would overlook the one defining moment this year: Kargil. He declared, releasing the so-called nuclear doctrine of the NSAB that Kargil actually proved that India's deterrent was working. With a completely insane and considerably under-challenged theory like that, we at Jaal are in total wonderment at Vajpayee's ability to pick such a winner for the job of the National Security Advisor. But mostly we are alarmed.

10. www.jaalmag.com: Discerning readers will notice that we have skipped lightly over categories 8 and 9. This is mainly owing to reasons of national security, which we are not at liberty to disclose, but mainly because we have run out of ideas and, more importantly, space. We also strongly feel, as a matter of editorial policy as well as forthrightness, that without an element of honest introspection, this column will not be complete. Yet again, since this is laughing stock column it would also be unfair for us to extol our own virtues. We therefore leave the space below for our sponsors to say a few words of praise, although we are very much aware that Gen Zia-uddin (formerly?) of the ISI is/was a man of few words.