Pakistan Prime Minister Yusuf Raza Gilani, often considered the most powerless man in the country to the chagrin of the country’s President, made a statement to that nation’s Parliament on Osama bin Laden’s five-year state-sponsored vacation in a well-appointed ISI holiday home in Abbottabad.

However, according to Jaalmag.com’s Islamabad correspondent, who is employed by the Pakistan Parliament to play canned laughter whenever the country’s leaders speak, Gilani speech was edited from the original, which happened to be somewhat more candid. Here are excerpts from the speech with the original unedited bits in brackets:

In today’s age of information explosion, it is important to sift facts from fiction (in other words, to keep the reality and what we tell the Yanks and the rest of the world separate).

No other nation has borne the collective burden of the international community (actually, no other nation has been the collective burden of the international community).

Pakistan’s foreign policy has always reflected our national ethos which, undoubtedly, transcends considerations of narrow interests or politics of expediency (as evidenced by our success in reaching the pinnacle in exporting terrorism).

We did not invite Osama bin Laden to Pakistan (but then with our tradition of mehman nawazi, why should we need to formally invite our chums? Of course, we will have to find have to ask our other friend, Mullah Omar, to shift to a new home for a while).

Osama bin Laden was the most wanted terrorist (yes, but we wanted him the most so he came to us).

The war against terrorism is our own national priority (after all, that’s the only way we can keep our economy and Army afloat, with the billions of dollars we get from the Americans). Our nation is united in its resolve to eliminate terrorism from our sacred land (and send it everywhere else).
This national consensus was built by our democracy, this Parliament, and the entire political leadership of this country (but, obviously, it had to be approved by the ISI first).

It is disingenuous for anyone to blame Pakistan or State institutions of Pakistan including the ISI and the armed forces for being in cahoots with the Al-Qaeda (because truth in diplomacy is an oxymoron and because the ISI’s official manual does not use the word ‘cahoots’ just ‘heavy petting’, the Armed Forced tome calls for 'tongue'.).

The obvious question that has vexed everyone is how could Osama bin Laden hide in plain sight in the scenic surroundings of Abbottabad (because we really really thought he would move to Islamabad and he kept refusing. Poor Kayani and Shuja Pasha even promised him his own pet goat, repeatedly.).
This issue of the hideout needs a rational answer (so we’ll certainly not provide one).

Yes, there has been an intelligence failure (but then we never laid claim to any intelligence).

Hiding in plain sight, as is evident in this case, is perhaps another technique that could be attributed to Osama Bin Laden in the realm of asymmetrical intelligence (in other words, we decided upon selective amnesia when asked about his whereabouts).

Nonetheless, we are determined to get to the bottom of how, when and why about OBL’s presence in Abbottabad (speaking of bottoms, mine hurts from being spanked by Hafiz Saeed). An investigation has been ordered (another colonoscopy for me).

This has raised questions about Pakistan’s defence capability and the security of our strategic assets (but I promise you, AQ Khan, the nuclear whore, will be kept safe and secure and given his daily ration of bottom pinching by the bottom feeders).

As the Abbottabad episode illustrates our Military responded to the US Forces covert incursion (but our units were using Chinese parts and, unfortunately, they all broke down and started playing the names of his concubines from Mao’s Little Black Book). The Air Force was ordered to scramble (but they protested that the ISI always ordered omelettes). Ground units arrived at the scene quickly (or as fast as they could move wearing night vision glasses in daylight. At least, we managed to recover the herbal Viagra from OBL’s den, our President will be mighty pleased).

Our response demonstrates that our armed forces reacted, as was expected of them (by leaking the CIA station chief’s name).

Let no one draw any wrong conclusions (actually, drawing the right conclusions may be even worse for us).

There are of course legal and moral issues that relate to the question of sovereignty (like whether we should release OBL’s three wives to be “probed” by the Americans, and whether we should share the herbal Viagra).

Indeed the ISI, is a national asset and has the full support of the Government (I have to say this to save my bottom).