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Osama And Veerappan...

Separated At Birth?

There has been some unusual correspondence brimming with bonhomie between Osama bin Laden and Veerappan and we can assure our faithfuls that this has NOT yet been carried by either CNN or BBC. This is absolutely an exclusive and wait for the commotion it is going to create! Here we go!

Dear Osama,
Vanakkam (writes Veerappan from his shifting hide-out somewhere in the Western Ghats in the tri-junction of Tamil Nadu, Karnataka and Kerala) - I am absolutely thrilled by what you have done and are doing to the powerful establishments everywhere. Let them stew for some more time.

I do not know what precautions you are taking to keep your place of hiding/living safe. If you require, I can send you volumes and volumes on surviving in the jungle and I can send them through my trusted emissaries Nakkeran Gopal (a magazine editor) or Neduraman (a spent politico who survives chanting my name). Do not worry how they will reach you. They have been given immunity by all the security forces and they are left alone whether they are coming to meet me or carry messages from me.

Dear brother, I think you are the first outlaw in the world in whose honour the poor Yankee - may his star and stripes flutter ever so high - has sent up a satellite or two. As for me, all the Government of India and the smaller Government of Tamil Nadu could do was to send some units of what they choose to call 'crack forces' to track me down in the forest. May be they do not know not a blade of grass moves nor a sparrow falls without my saying so.

If you want more fun, kidnap Elizabeth Taylor (since Marilyn Monroe is no longer around) and hold talks with the emissaries from real Hollywood and make sure to get all the footage out so that George W Junior can go and hide behind the bush. Of course release the old flame in a few days.

I am sending a pair of exquisite elephant tusks along with this epistle. If you need more, just don't hesitate to ask. I have got loads and loads of them tucked away.

Yours truly,
Veerappan

Brother Veerappan,
Peace be with you (replies Osama from the Waldorf and Astoria) - I am delighted to have your letter translated and read out to me. I will ensure newsreaders of All India Radio external service of Pusthu and Dari Units will have my letter rendered into something intelligible to you.
Afghanistan is a slightly different place from your jungle but thanks all the same for the tips. You would have seen your letter has finally reached me in my exclusive hotel suite. Though you said you wrote it in the jungle I am sure it was from a five star hotel owned by you in Chennai (did they not call it Madras when I started my business?)

While I thank you for the tusks, I am sending back two plastic pouches. Do not throw them away like you people throw all plastic everywhere - these pouches are worth their weight literally in gold - do not be put out they contain some white powder. I can guarantee 100% purity for them and there are any number of pouches stashed all over the globe by my faithful adherents.

What beats me is why no one is giving me credit for the labour I and my followers put in to make this world a happier place - all one has to do is just sniff my powder or gulp it or take it in through a needle and in a jiffy all the sorrows and pain vanish. It stands to reason one will want more and more of it for the sheer joy and relief it brings. This wicked world has never understood its benefactors - whether it is you my brother or it is poor me.

Please do not be alarmed - I am not really bothered by any number of satellites or cruises or tomahawks or whatever. These are just gadgets and they cannot get me. But what I would be worried about is - suppose they deploy some of the foot soldiers who are assiduously combing the forests for the past twenty years or so for you. The problem with the humans is they will eventually catch up with your technique and perhaps catch you too.

I shall be really worried if the GI, even a 17-year-old one, starts staring at the sand for my footprints for you know I leave footprints all over like I did with the WTC.

But take heart! At least for the next five years!

Yours Truly,
Osama

T Kannan is a Chennai-based TV and Online commentator
[ First published: October 15, 2001   Last updated: March 30, 2011 ]

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