Revising Pakistani History

A group of prominent Pakistani historians recently held a seminar in Rawalpindi. The topic for that seminar was Examining Pakistani Civilisation. While that last phrase appears an oxymoron, there were interesting findings as revealed by the chair of the seminar committee, Khwaja Manhoos Mohammed.

According to Mohammed, the pre-eminent discovery was that Pakistan is actually going back in time. Explaining that phenomenon, he said, “You see, our history books teach us that our civilization started with Mohenjodaro. After that there is a huge gap, till the time of the Muslim sultanates in the medieval era. Where did the time in between go? We figured that we have lost nearly 10 centuries of history. Given that context, with the Government’s whole-hearted support, we have decided that it is time for Pakistan to go back to that period and make up for lost time. Of course, that does mean that we won’t reach the 21st century for another 1000 years, but that is a small thing to give up.”
He pointed to the grief in the country when it had been overtaken by neighbouring Afghanistan, under the Taliban, in going back. “What the Afghans did yesterday, we will accomplish today and bring to you your day before yesterday once more. For us, there is no tomorrow,” he said.

The historians also congratulated the people of Pakistan and the Government of President Pervez Musharraf for having pre-empted them in this historic journey back. Mohammed pointed out that in various parts of the country, tribal rule had already come to stay, and modernity had been effectively defeated. “We have already gone back 1500 years, this is a glorious phase of Pakistan,” he rejoiced.
But the historians gathered in Rawalpindi agreed that under no circumstances could the country rest upon its laurels. “We have to regress further and further till we reach the Stone Age,” Mohammed said. However, there is some confusion over what the Stone Age target would actually mean.

Government officials have pointed out that once the Stone Age is reached, Pakistan’s laws can be more in conformity with the Shariat in terms of the ensuring the stoning of all criminals and women (since it’s a crime to be a woman in Pakistan), all followers of other religions, those who eat pork, those who have ever spoken a word of English or any other foreign tongue, those who want democracy, those who watch movies or the television, listen to the radio or have a brain. “We will not tolerate any intellectual activity in this country,” President Musharraf remarked and added, “We want no intelligence here.” When it was pointed out by a journalist (before he was taken away by ISI operatives to be tortured and stoned) that there was hardly any intelligence in Pakistan anyway, he replied that that only reflected richly on the efficiency of his administration.

The Pakistan Government had decided to observe August 14 of each year and Regression Day. On that day, celebrations will commence with a group of students from Pakistan’s most backward madrassas collectively chanting the scriptures and thereafter, butting heads. As the celebrations continue, all clocks and watches in the country will come to a permanent standstill.

The Great Gnuman awakened from hibernation to find that he'd slept through winter, spring and summer. After yawning mightily, he wrote this piece based on information provided by some American bisons
[ First published: October 1, 2003   Last updated: March 30, 2011 ]

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