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Revealed: Our Creature Of The Decade

Since everyone and their pet baboon will be announcing their Man, Woman, Animal, Vegetable or Thing of the Decade as the Noughts come to an end, we, at Jaalmag.com, want to make one point.

The decade's not over on December 31, 2010, stupid. In fact, the decade didn't even begin on January 1, 2000, moron. It began the year after. That didn't stop you from getting on the millennium binge on January 1, 2000, retard. And you're possibly the only readers we have, we've decided to cave in to your idiocy.

So, in the great tradition of the Latrine Cleaners' Gazette or the Aardvark Analyst or the resolution at the Copenhagen summit, we provide you with our choice for the Person of the Decade.

And that is: Paranoid Man (or Woman, Person, Thing).

Able to leap to the scariest conclusions, with a mind that's serves up worst case scenarios faster than a speeding train, as those conclusions prove stronger than steel, this is the only choice for us. Yes, Paranoid Man.

For Paranoid Man, 2000 dawned with great hope but as January 1 of that day progressed, there came a sinking feeling. WTF happened to Y2K? The lights were still on, unless you were in an Indian megapolis and subject to the usual power outage. The computer went on and you still kept on surfing porn. The television was working and as always, the politicians and bureaucrats weren't.

What went wrong? What were you going to do with 48 cases of crackers? 112 crates of bottled water? 14 flashlights? 333 assorted batteries? 51 canisters of petrol? And, for some strange reason, a casserole full of pickled tomatoes?

What went wrong was that Y2K never happened. As you cried yourself to sleep, there were just glimmers to hope for the days, weeks, months, years ahead.

Perhaps the terrorist would bomb your local market while you were shopping for cucumbers. Or possibly, the Indian cricket team would suddenly become so good that you'd be overjoyed and collapse from cardiac arrest. Or maybe, dengue would mutate into an epidemic strain. Or perhaps Salman Khan would go on the rampage. Surely, there were a million cataclysmic events that could affect you. Surely, something good would come about.

Nah! You poor cretin, you still alive, though you sometimes wonder if the guy who patted your butt while you were standing in queue to buy tickets for that Shah Rukh Khan film was David Coleman Headley. Nah! That was just the guy who picked your pocket and if you were wondering why your credit card bill showed charges for a dozen HDTVs and the collected philosophy of Marcus Aurelius, now you know.

But you Paranoid Man will prevail. At least for a while. The Teens come upon you with the glorious prospect of the world suddenly coming to an end in December 2012. So unlike that faithless Y2K bug, you actually have nearly three years to be scared shitless.

Just one thing, though: You may need to buy fresh crackers.

The ISI Chief had a great 2009 and thinks he can make Paranoid Man's dreams come true in 2010.
[ First published: December 15, 2009   Last updated: March 30, 2011 ]

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Faaltu Fatta

The Beggar

Two college students, Akshay and Sunil, are sititng in a taxi in Mumbai when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change. Akshay adamantly rejects the man in disgust. Sunil, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of notes and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile. The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues to other taxis. Akshay is outraged by his friend's act of generosity. "What on earth did you do that for?" yells Akshay. "You know he's only going to use it on cigarattes and alcohol."
Sunil replies, "And we weren't?"

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