Goodbye Idibhai

The entire Gujarati diaspora is in mourning. Even Gujarat Chief Minister Narendra Modi has sent out a condolence message and cancelled all state-sponsored pogroms in the memory of a great leader. Gujjus worldwide have also decided that they will observe a one-minute silence of their cash registers to honour the departed soul.

The leader in question is Idi Amin, who died after years in exile in Saudi Arabia, a country that provides safe haven to terrorists and cannibals of all hue, thereby displaying the great tradition of Wahabi magnanimity.

The secret papers of Idi Amin, released posthumously, have underscored the deep bonds that he enjoyed with the Gujarati community worldwide. In fact, according to highly unreliable sources in Uganda's Ministry for Analysing Amin's Dietary Habits, Idi was actually a Gujarati emigrant who arrived in Uganda seeking his fortune in a new nation and rose to the heights of dictatorship. Idi Amin Dada was what he was formally known as but, the papers apparently say, he was born Kanhaiyyalal Gordhanlal Amin. However, while his parents, who Idi loved especially with barbecue sauce, had affectionately nicknamed him Idiot, this was later abbreviated to Idi.

However, no attempt has yet been made by historians to remove the distorted view that Idi had actually turned against his Gujju brethren. The popular version, repeated ad nauseam over the years, has been that upset over the prosperity that the community enjoyed in Uganda, Idi had then unceremoniously thrown out of the country, thereby forcing nearly 50,000 Gujaratis to start their lives again in the backward nations of England, the United States and Canada, facing numerous hardships like having to have lunch at McDonald‘s.

The documents that have been preserved by Amin’s janitorial staff show the falsity of this perception. Amin, the papers show, was actually demonstrating his concern for the community’s welfare. He felt that they had already attained riches which were at a saturation level and thereby, the community needed to be prodded into greater ambition, In this case, the prescription was to send them Westward. The exile was, in effect, a grand strategy hatched by Amin and the great Gujarati intellectual, Poppatbhai Hirabhai Patel, better known as Pop Patel, PhD. Patel is renowned for introducing the words Potel and Kemcho Curry into the dictionary.

This was part of the overall Gujarati conspiracy of world domination through the process of introduction of sweetening of all manner of food, including sweetening of salt. In fact, Amin’s Gujarati roots are evidenced by his taste for food with a saccharine flavour, for instance his favourite recipe for Sweetened Medulla Oblongata. Idi was also exceptionally fond of his traditional Gujarati wife, Paravatiben. He was distraught at her untimely demise, though some analysts have attributed that to his mammoth indigestion the next morning. However, a record of his grief was discovered after Amin was made to leave Uganda, as various parts of Parvatiben were found in the Official Refrigerator.

All in all, a great man and his passing will be observed solemnly by all Gujaratis.

[ First published: August 1, 2003   Last updated: March 30, 2011 ]

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Faaltu Fatta

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