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Jaal presents Politics explained
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
APPLIED COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
NIGERIAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots you and sends the cows to Zurich.
MILITARISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the President is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". The cow sues you for breach of contract.
BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the right to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because of bad feng shui.
HINDUISM: You have two cows. You give them all your food.
TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of 'ownership' is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of nonspecified gender.
COUNTERCULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like...these two cows, man. You have got to have some of this milk.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
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1. Bharatiya Janata Party spokesman Venkaiah Naidu.
WHAT HE SAID:
Our assessment is that people are happy with the Government.
WHAT HE DID NOT ADD:
Another assessment is that Nawaz Sharif will win the next Miss India contest.
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2. Union Defence Minister George Fernandes on the review committee on Kargil.
WHAT HE SAID:
The panel has been formed not to probe the intelligence failure, but to examine why Kargil happened.
WHAT HE DID NOT ADD:
We want absolutely nothing remotely resembling intelligence to be associated with our Government.
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3. Newly appointed Haryana Chief Minister Om Prakash Chautala.
WHAT HE SAID:
I will undo the wrong policies of the Bansi Lal Government.
WHAT HE DID NOT ADD:
After all, I have enough wrong policies of my own to implement. Remember Meham?
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4. Karnataka Chief Minister J H Patel, who masterminded the merger of the Janata Dal, the Samata Party and the Lok Shakti, on whether Prime Minister Atal Behari Vajpayee or the BJP had been aware of the impending reunion.
WHAT HE SAID:
Whether it is in the light or dark, it should be discussed between them.
WHAT HE DID NOT ADD:
And, collectively, we can ensure a lot of gray areas.
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5. Amitabh Bachchan.
WHAT HE SAID:
If I had a body like Salman Khan's, I would have shown it. But, I don't.
WHAT HE DID NOT ADD:
I wouldn't mind a body like that, as long as the brain was not part of a package deal.
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6. Ousted Indian captain Mohammed Azharuddin on being replaced with Sachin Tendulkar.
WHAT HE SAID:
I am never disappointed. I only get disappointed when we lose a match.
WHAT HE DID NOT ADD:
Which, of course, is all the time. So that's a paradox for you to figure out.
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