I. Yukta Mookhey: This Mulund mulgi is Miss World 1999. She waxed eloquent on how fair she was as a child. We agree. Given the other contestants, we also consider her fair. To middling. And while the pageant was on in London, feminists kept complaining about how the contestants were being exhibited like cattle. And then they get outraged and call men sexist when they call a woman a cow??

2. Sushmita Sen: Went from being a scrawny, plain Vasant Kunj denizen to being a scrawny, plain Miss Universe to scrawny, plain Bollywood roles. Managed to convince thousands of Indian girls that a 20-20-20 figure was desirable.

3. Aishwarya Rai: Has decided to donate her dazzling eyes. Most of her fans, however, seem to be more concerned with the rest of her physiognomy. She had Kalpnath Rai looking up his family tree. Has since discovered that conquering the world was somewhat simpler than capturing Bollywood. Since she's dynamite, are we surprised that her films have bombed??

4. Diana Hayden: Miss World 1997. Promised, like others of her ilk do, to do good deeds. And she did. She's kept away from masala films but that's probably because her Anglo tongue can't handle Hindi. All that she's got out of that career high is a cosmetic change as spokesperson for L'Oreal.

5. Rita Faria: Rita who? Miss World 1966, Mrs Nobody 1999. Has vanished into that twilight zone that former beauty queens inhabit: A world of charity work (the sort that begins at home); with a suitably loaded husband; a couple of designer ensembles in the cupboard.

6. Madhu Sapre: Lost out on becoming Miss Universe because her priority as PM would have been to build a sports complex. Is now seen swishing on catwalks or switching boyfriends. In between, she also managed to outrage the Shiv Sena thugs with the Tuffs ad. Perhaps she does deserve to become the Prime Minister after all. At least then she'd have nothing to hide.

7. Persis Khambatta: This ex-Miss India went where no Indian woman had gone before - on to the sets of the first Star Trek movie. Okay, she had to shave off her hair and resembled Yul Brynner on a bad day or a fused lightbulb, but she didn't put on a wig like Captain Kirk did.

8. Juhi Chawla: The QSQT cutie has gone from being a leading lady to a lady-in-waiting-for-a-role. One alleged thespian who can sport a dazzling smile even while being stalked by a raving psycho. Since her career has been laying large eggs, she has decided to go with the ultimate ham, Shahrukh Khan, to launch their production house, Dreamz.

9. Queen Elizabeth II: Okay, she's married. But considering her consort Prince Phillip is s horsey that he could enter the Ascot race, no questions asked, she'd have been better off following the example of her namesake, Liz The First. And her brood of princes is enough to make even the Brits like the ugly frogs.

10. The Thomas Crown Affair: The new Bond is politically correct and exceedingly boring. A period piece that misses out on a period to piece itself into, this film can be rated 000, with a license to kill…time and interest. And you get Renee Russo as a Bond girl. No wonder people would rather watch Austin Powers. At least the Shagging Spy series admits to being caricatures of the original Bond movies.