Murli Manohar Joshi has bigger balls: This poster-boy for the Sangh Parivar is playing a longer game than Advani, by quietly undermining the nation through his rewriting of history texts, filling the nation's educational institutions with hardcore RSS men, and his build-up of a Hitler Youth - the National Reconstruction Corps

Sonia Gandhi has the biggest balls: Can't you tell by the way she walks as she climbs the steps of Rashtrapati Bhawan? In fact, Sonia has a better prospect of inheriting the mantle of the iron man of India - basically because she has proven that she has balls of steel.

A B Vajpayee a pussy: He disgusts Advani. What an insipid budget, for instance; left to Advani, he would have raised prices and taxes - because suffering is good for everyone! That's the only way the nation will become leaner, meaner and tougher. Or take Pakistan… what is this nonsense about riding to Lahore on a bus? Acharya Dharmendra was right - if Vajpayee was a man, he would have ridden into Pakistan on a tank! And the Bhagwat issue? George Fernandes was right to sack the Navy chief, but Vajpayee, if he had guts, would have ended the matter by sacking Fernandes! In fact, if Advani were PM, he would sack everyone! That's the only way to make the Cabinet work - by making it leaner, meaner and tougher!!

J Jayalalitha a bigger pussy: The bombs the Islamic fundamentalists used to try and kill Advani were nothing compared to this bomb, who is trying to kill Vajpayee. It goes without saying that she needs to be made leaner, meaner and tougher; trouble is, Vajpayee is not up to the task. Advani, on the other hand, would have fixed her in a second - a peep out of her, and he would have slapped a few more cases on her, sent her to jail for another few months (and enforce a diet of coarse bread and unfiltered water), and denied Sasikala visiting rights. Yep - it takes a real man to fix a troublesome woman.

K R Narayanan the biggest pussy: Advani is outraged: how dare the President suggest that judgeships be distributed over castes! Doesn't the president know that the upper castes are smarter than the lower castes? That they have their best interests at heart? That they know what's good for the Dalits and the rest of the country? This President has been pesky - refusing to impose Article 356 on Constitutional grounds, etc. That's why Advani says - impeach the President! Change the Constitution! Change Democracy - and make it leaner, meaner and tougher!!

ISI chief a threat to national security: Actually, this Lt Gen Ziauddin gives Advani a hard-on. Think of it - right now, he epitomises lean, mean, tough machine. He keeps India on the run - Kashmir, Punjab, the North-east, Islamic fundamentalism in the South, the plague, the earthquake, poor monsoon, low foodgrain yields, currency devaluation, manipulation of the stock market, poverty, apathy, idiocy - you name it, he's responsible for it. He's the main reason Advani wants Pakistan to re-unite with India - so that he can make the ISI chief his Home Minister.

The USA a bigger threat to national security: And their biggest weapons are not sanctions, but Pamela Lee Anderson's mammoth breasts. They're swamping the airwaves with their inane culture! They're dumping on the country their rejected or recently antiquated consumer electronics! They're hooking the people on absurdities such as Home Shopping television! And are they a lean, mean, tough machine? Just ask Slobodan Milosevic! So, Advani wonders, what should we do? Immediately sign the CTBT and jump on the Great Satan's bandwagon, of course!!

George Fernandes the biggest threat to national security: Instead of making the armed forces a lean, mean, tough machine, this guy has driven away what was once the BJP's most reliable vote-bank. Also, he's a human rights supporter. Sacrilege of sacrileges!! Human rights are the greatest obstacle to becoming a lean, mean, tough machine! Advani wonders - the Bajrang Dal should have set this one on fire instead of poor Graham Staines.

Sushma Swaraj's big, bigger & biggest butt: This is the only object in Advani's reality that does not need to be lean, mean or tough. On the contrary, it is so round! So delicate!

Illustrations by Siddhartha Mitra