As Jaal completes one year of calumnious existence, and rings in a new millenium of slander and misrepresentation, we would like to brag. Not for nothing is 'Old Slang Slime' our New Year's Eve song of nostalgia and cheer. But since we are modest and humble, we will also point out some of the inaccuracies that crept into our forecasts due to no fault of ours but that of our respective 'significant other' (that's right, we blame everything on our wives).
In January, we had forecast: "An increasingly obese man will be forced to use public transport and rub his body against a bald man." This was proved true when Atal Behari Vajpayee was forced by the Americans to take a golden bus to Pakistan and awkwardly hug Nawaz Sharif. The next line of the prediction, however, ran thus: "They will both be subsequently thrown in jail." We were wrong, for one of them remains at large.
In February, we had predicted: "Either a foreign lady would win a contest in India, or an Indian lady would win a contest in foreign lands." We were right - Sonia Gandhi did not win the right to govern, and Yukta Mookhey won a beauty pageant. The next line of the prediction, however, was: "In either case, the lady will be beautiful." We admit we were far off the mark.
In March we said: "A strange old man will drink heavily and kill Muslims." Technically we were correct; our interpretation was off the mark. We thought this prediction applied to Bal Thackeray. Imagine our surprise when we found Boris Yeltsin doing the West's dirty work for them.
In April we advised Pakistan: "Don't eat the yellow snow." (Quoting the late Zappa, that is). They did not take our advice and dug in at Kargil. So, on July 4, Bill Clinton summoned Nawaz Sharif and made him eat something else instead. And it wasn't one of those big, thick steaks on the barbeque either. The same advice, however, we proffered to India, and it looks like something bad is brewing for Y2K, around the time that Ol' Bill comes a-visiting.
In May we predicted: "A SAARC nation will reach the cricket world cup final and it will not be Bangladesh." Okay, okay, so that was not the hardest prognostication Jaal has ever undertaken. We also said: "One of the teams India will not be able to defeat will be Bangladesh." Admittedly, that too was not very difficult. However, we went grossly wrong when we forecast: "The team to eat Shane Warne, having mistaken him for an oversize bhetki, will be Bangladesh." We are sorry for such irresponsibility on our part - Shane Warne looks more like a beached whale than bhetki.
In June we forecast: "Jaal will get more hits than Playboy." This is correct if you read the next line: "Jaal's editors will get more bong hits, that is."
In July we said: "Neither Salman Rushdie nor Vikram Seth will win this year's Booker Prize." Truly, neither of them was even nominated, despite the hype. Hopefully, they will give up writing fiction for a while, and perhaps contribute to Jaal. But then again, are we that desperate? We must admit, however, that we erred with our prediction of what would actually win England's premier literary prize: "Pornography by a Sardarji."
In August we predicted: "George Fernandes will be the next Prime Minister of India." Actually, we have still not been proved wrong, for Vajpayee was not unseated by the recent parliamentary elections; he remained the Prime Minister. He has been doddering of late, and there is a chance he may cop it before the life of the 13th Lok Sabha is out. So the 'international socialist' of yore still has a chance of succeeding him.
In September we said: "A man holding two dogs will be criticised for bestiality." Little did we know that we were referring to a chain of events starting from Nawaz Sharif's refusal to let a plane land in Karachi, which led to a military coup, and the assumption of power by chief executive Pervez Musharraf. In a bid to placate the West, he was photographed holding his two domesticated mongrels, much to the outrage of some mullahs in Pakistan.
Our last prognostication came in October. We forecast: "The ISI chief will get a promotion." Admittedly, it was a selfish prediction, considering how much Jaal has milked the ISI chief for cheap jokes (and unfunny ones at that). The brevity of his new tenure (he was arrested a few hours later) had so depressed Jaal, deprived of its cash cow so to speak, that we stopped reading palms and mapping stars after that. However, not to fear, faithful netizens! A new ISI chief has been appointed. Jaal will soon sing again!!!