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Excise Excise
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 The Press Information Bureau conference hall in New Delhi, the capital of India that is Bharat was packed. Each of the two dozen (three dozen?) TV channels had crowded their logoed-microphones onto the shining mahogany table that was the room's focal point.Yes, it was an event! The Press meet was to be addressed by all the worthies of the Union Cabinet except, of course, by the first among equals. The Information & Broadcasting (I&B) Minister, in charge of the media, was most charming, even beatific. Though on other platforms he moaned that his Ministry maintained a low profile, he left one in doubt as he strutted on the stage. He was the last one to emerge out of the green room with the pancake still intact. On the other hand the labour was the first one and one could understand the emotions churning in his breast with the make-up streaming down his chubby cheeks. The journos naturally appreciated the fact that with such a galaxy of heavyweights (literally and figuratively) on stage, their (those of the correspondents', not the other asses) posteriors could not, as usual, be flashed on the screen. Today they were to be heard and not also seen. One reporter thought he would floor the Cabinet collectively with a single shot question. Before the ministers could pinpoint the direction of the question, it was already over! Even the other correspondents did not realise it was really over. (Later on, the doyen of the journalists who normally asks the first insipid question pulled up the impetuous one saying firmly it was against professional ethics to ask a question without a preamble, preface, foreword and explanatory references.) The I&B Minister called upon the next questioner ruling equally firmly that one could ask only one question and could not even repeat it, if it was missed due to the fault of the person asking it. The All India Radio reporter, working directly under the I&B Minister, picked up courage and queried whether it was not a fact that prices were coming down. As usual that Minister started replying first (he always replied first, whatever be the subject) and said, yes prices were coming down. In fact, he said, but for excise duties even a colour TV set will cost only around Rs 3,000. Think, he exhorted, of the change it will bring to the lives of the people below the poverty line. The Industry Minister said prices can really be lowered but for excise; cars will be cheap, ditto for scooters, autos, trucks, etc. The Steel Minister chimed in to say that steel can be had for throwaway prices but for…. The Industry Minister added, my god, don't ask me about cement prices. Let us not talk about sugar, which, he said, will taste sweeter but for the excise. Not to be outdone, the Agriculture Minister butted in (before he could be prevented by his pince nez wearing Secretary) and said wheat and rice and cotton and tobacco will be a lot cheaper, if only…… The Commerce Minister caught the eye of the I&B Minister and thus favoured, declared he would wipe out the balance of trade gap if excise were also wiped out. The Labour Minister, make-up stll streaming down his face, said, ESMA or no ESMA, in the larger interest of the country, if the excise is to go, he would do his best - order the statutory minimum bonus for absolutely no production. No production, no excise, see? he argued. The Ddefence Minister said his department would chip in by stopping production of thermos flasks and umbrellas in the ordnance factories. The Energy Minister said he had already ordered cutbacks in power production, disgusted with excise. If we can do without power, can't we do without excise? The Finance Minister cleared his throat. There was a hush. The cameras zoomed in. The I&B Minister generously pushed a table mike in front of him. The Finance Minister said since the consensus seemed to be against excise, he would start by first firing the Chairman of the Indirect Taxes Board. He said this was only his personal view and the official view would be officially announced on the floor of Parliament. The FM continued: The rupee now has a value of perhaps 20 paise or so. This, of course, includes, you know, the excise. If one removes it, he said, the rupee will find its true level of 15 or 16 paise. All will then be well and we can compete globally, he assured the nation. RECENTLY ON JAAL: Bush Speechless The Moron's Hack Miss Whirl Chatterbox 6 Chatterbox 5 Chatterbox 4 Chatterbox 3 Chatterbox 2 Chatterbox 1 Cloud Nine The Son Always Shines Glam Slam Autonomy Retort The Sri Lankan Mulberry Bush Take The Green Quiz A Tiger By The Tail 1000000000+ Chandrachud Rereported The Second Coming Of Bill Are You A Bollywood Buff? SEND US YOUR FEEDBACK ABOUT THIS ARTICLE:
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