As the allegations of match fixing cast their shadow upon cricket, Jaal decided that it must get into the act. Well, you know what we mean, investigate, not the other thing. So we sent one of our intrepid correspondents to look into the matter. He spent days in the lobbies of hotels, watching matches at various venues, before he finally submitted his report. Actually, it wasn't much of a report; it was written on the back of a napkin and all it said was "if it's Friday, it must be Faridabad." However, the bill he presented us with was much more substantial in itself and we could have carried that in toto, if we had seen any humour in that particular situation. Finally, our shiftless jerk said he had also managed an exclusive interview with the captain of a national cricket team. We aren't too sure about that since we found him keying t in without referring to any notes or tapes or even transcripts from cellphone conversations. However, since we are truly desperate, here it is:
Question: Touring the subcontinent is always tough. What's been the toughest part for you?
Answer: The numbers. Calculating how much each player will score or how many wickets the bowlers should take to keep the stakes challenging is quite a task. Fortunately, we are very good at figuring out formulae. Personally, I think I've gained rich experience and have had a profitable tour. And, I've improved on the numbers front what with all the offshore accounts to track and collecting my dues?
Q: If you weren't a cricketer, what would you have been?
A: A scriptwriter. I think I have a natural talent for this activity and I could have been a real pro at it. Look at the way I've scripted the tense, nail-biting endings during the series. My scripts are already so popular with Indian crowds; I think I have a future in Bollywood giving their potboilers an edge. I can even turn no-hopers into winners.
Q: What do you do to relax during such an arduous tour?
A: Curl up with a good bookie….I mean book. Mostly, books of accounts.
Q: Do you think cricket matches are fixed by bookies in connivance with players?
A (looks stunned): No, no, of course not. Cricket is a gentleman's game.
(His cellphone rings)
(Answering the call) Hello? Yes, hi! 3500.
No, no, I don't mean that we'll score 3500 even though that cannot be ruled out against this Indian attack, but I mean dollars. For me. But then you're getting a great deal; bulk rates for as many players as we can rope in. We'll even throw in a special discount for the 12th man.
Okay, I may even wear my earphones on to the field. So, you can keep relaying your instructions to me even while I'm there.
(Call ends; returns to interview)
So, what were you asking?
Q: About match fixing? Do you think it happens in international cricket?
A (Looks stunned again): How can you even ask such a question? How can you doubt the integrity of players of unimpeachable reputation?
(Cellphone rings again)
Hello? 25, 34, 12, 0, 58, 26, 31. Got that?
No, no, that is not the number of my account. Those are the number of runs that the batters will score in sequence.
But we've still haven't been paid in full for the last match. You should, in fact, be paying us extra; you don't know just how difficult it is to lose to these Indians. We really had to try hard. We had to spend hours practising, training. When our batters try to get out, they drop the catches and when our bowlers bowl them full tosses they pat them back as catches to the fielders. And our fielders are so tired of dropping catches! We'll have to win a couple of matches, otherwise, everyone will get really suspicious.
Okay, later.
(Looks back and smiles)
So, what were to you asking?
Q: About match-fixing…..
A (Looks even more stunned): This is outrageous. This interview is terminated. Stop bugging me.