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 1.
A B Vajpayee:
Cold War aphorisms that gained substantial weight in the West included "Better dead than Red" and "A good commie is a dead commie". While not clarifying the medical condition of say, a pinko-liberal, it can be assumed that such could survive only after suitable 'conversion'. Propounded by the Far Right, the Presiding Deity was Joseph McCarthy. That period in American history has not been lost on the Indian Far Right Lunatic Fringe. The Presiding Deity in this case is the subversive Prime Minister of India, the Rebel With A Pause. By calling for a national debate on conversions, he demonstrates a disgusting pinko-liberal characteristic, combining reasonableness with strategy. The strategy is to buy time so he can go down in history, with his khaki shorts on.
 2.
L K Advani:
another bleeding heart liberal. He has narrowed the scope of 'security' in cricketing terms to mean security for players (such as those from Warsaw, Buenos Aires, and even Letts), but not for deservedly-won trophies. Carefully notice he is on the panel that will oversee security for the Pakistan cricket team. Also very carefully notice he was in Mumbai when the BCCI office was brutally raped. This brings into question what he actually went there to oversee. Clearly his comments after the denouement are indicative: he was there to build "bridges" with the Shiv Sena chief. Having actively, and apologetically, contributed to the breaking down of 'disputed' structures during end 1991, he is now contributing his mite to the breakdown of a cultural fabric as well.
 3.
Bal Thackery:
The tiger who is not even a pussy cat, but actually a fly in the ointment. The denial that Shiv Sena is not responsible for the act of cultural sodomy at the BCCI is designed to get him a bravery award next time they hand it out. It also reflects the courage of his convictions. It is commonly believed that he is an alliance partner of the BJP. This is false. He is not an alliance partner, which would presume that he is part of the solution rather than the problem. As everyone knows, not only is he a part of the problem, he is the problem itself. At this point a law and order problem.
 4.
Manohar Joshi:
As vice president of the BCCI he has a hidden agenda. To convert the Indian cricket team into Sainiks so that they burn down theatres when they are off the field. Politically he is fielding at silly point. This was brought out clearly when he could not square his role as a BCCI official with that as bootlicker-in-chief of the Sena supremo. Cast in the former role he was duty-bound to save the trophies. In his latter avatar he was duty-bound to lead the destruction himself. This is the perspective from which his offer to resign, "if necessary" from the BCCI post should be viewed. Was he offering his resignation to Bal Thackeray for his dereliction of duty towards him or to the country for failing to safeguard, among other things, such trophies? Finally, why "if necessary"? Is there something that is left unfinished?
 5.
George Fernandes:
This poor defenceless person has got a real problem in his hands. As Defence Minister he is in charge of defence of the nation. As the National Security Review now underway suggests, threats are from within the nation as well as from without. In the internal security review we suggest that some attention be paid to threats such as the ones that have surfaced since January 6, when Sainiks gave the Kotla ground a facelift. His biggest worry after the ISI in Bombay is the Shiv Sena.
 6.
Don Vito Badvani:
Godfather of Bal Thackeray. Is passing the mantles of both Hindutva and Hot Pursuit to Shiv Sena chief. Shiv Sena chief has by indicating readiness to take up the Prime Minister's suggestion that Sainiks go fight in the front provided the subtext that the BJP Government is not doing a good job on the border. By refusing to comment on the BCCI atrocity, Don Badvani was really observing the code of Omerta which, we all know, bind the mafiosi at all levels.
 7.
Christians, Lesbians, Others:
Are bewildered by the nasty spate of attacks by the ruling mafia. They wonder why it is that they can't be provided adequate protection under the Constitution by the Executive.
 8.
We at Jaal:
Really wonder how the present gang of misruling idiots can provide adequate security to the nation - even though we have the capacity to deal with "present and future threats" -- when the whole state apparatus, even after categorical assurances to the contrary, are not even able to protect cricket pitches and the Prudential Cup from Shiv Sena vandals.
 9.
Advani, Thackeray, Vajpayee, Joshi, Bajrang Dal (not necessarily in that order):
After careful and mature consideration we cannot escape the conclusion that this bunch of jokers constitute the biggest threat to the polity, cultural fabric and internal security of the nation. We are convinced that external security threats pale into insignificance when viewed against their systematic depredations (track record, if you wish). Given the awesome and endless talent exhibited by this lot in proving Murphy's Law (if something doesn't go wrong by itself, we'll make sure it does), the National Security Review that is allegedly underway has to take due cognisance of this.
 10.
ISI chief:
We approached the ISI chief for a comment on India's security problems and what remained for Pakistan to do so with regard to unfinished agendas. This is what he told Jaal: "What, me worry?" Honestly, we are perplexed by this response. It seems to be some kind of code.
Illustrations by Siddhartha Mitra
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