I am very distressed with what you and Pakistan are upto in Kargil. I mean, you guys are forcing me to postpone my trip to the subcontinent. And I've only got a year and a half left before someone else takes over. So time is NOT on my side.

Look, I'll be arriving alone - Hilary's too busy gearing up to run for the Senate seat from New York. As for Gore - well, the less said the better. I don't want to sound bitter about that back-stabbing, wooden-assed, loser. Man, I hope Bush's son kills him in the next elections. The only thing good about gore are those blonde girls of his - Jesus, I'd like to do each of them the way I did Mondale's.

So where was I? Oh yeah. Pakistan. Well, the thing is, they've got the Bomb, and I'm not talking about Maleeha Lodhi though I must admit… she was a babe. I sure do hope she isn't one of those kiss-and-tell types, because it would be pretty disgusting if she were to kiss Nawaz Sharif and tell him everything.

But what was I saying? The other thing about Pakistan is their friend China. Now you know, them Chinese, they worry me. They've been stealing our Bomb secrets for two decades! And you know what gets me? There ain't nothing I can do about it! Man, talk about not being brought to completion!

Yeah, I know… Lewinsky. That woman - and that impeachment. In the encyclopedias, right under my name, these are what the first paragraphs are going to mention. I gotta get this sex stuff pushed down somehow. I gotta do something… Kosovo doesn't look like it's going to do it. Maybe Kashmir… maybe if things really went out of control, I could do something that would push Lewinsky and the impeachment to the bottom of my future biographies. So, on second thoughts, guys, keep it up. Maybe Kashmir will give me redemption...