SCENE I

(M Karunanidhi, the president of the Dravida Munnetra Kazhagam, is meeting with a reporter in his party headquarters. The veteran Dravidian leader is flanked by his son and the Chennai Mayor M K Stalin, and his nephew and former Union Minister Murasoli Maran. The reporter is shooting questions at Karunanidhi.)
Reporter: You are a rationalist and you have railed against the communal elements all your life. How can you join hands with the Ram-temple-wallahs?
MK (In a poetic mood and rhythmic tone): 'Rationalist' begins with the letter 'R'; 'Ram temple' also begins with 'R'; 'Red' begins with 'R' and "Reversal' also begins with 'R'.
Reporter (Looking confused): Oh great sir, could you elaborate on that please.
MK: I mean to say that there is no hypocrisy involved in the recent reversal of our policies that have always had red-like progressive concerns and interests.
Reporter: How?
MK: As you may know, our ideological mentor, Periyar's name is E V Ramasamy. And if the BJP, VHP, RSS and Bajrang Dal are building a temple for the Ram Swami, they are actually paying respect to Periyar. They are far more progressive than the pseudo-Dravidians such as Jayalalitha.
Reporter: Would your party's founder, Anna, have accepted your joining hands with the brahmanical orthodoxy?
MK: Where was Anna born? Kanchipuram! What else is there in Kanchipuram? The Sankaracharya Matt! Why should Anna be born in Kanchipuram of all the places in Tamil Nadu? He knew way ahead of the rest of the universe that this Dravidian-Aryan coalition would happen one day. When we were praying towards Kanchipuram all these years, we were also paying obeisance to the Sankaracharya Matt. Kanchi is the heart of the Dravidian Hindustan!
Reporter: So who do you think are the original inhabitants of India: Dravidians or Aryans?
MK: You are sidestepping the main issue. If there was a Jayalalitha and widespread corruption in the early days of Indian history, there could have been a strategic anti-corruption alliance between the Dravidians and the Aryans. But alas she was not there! The Dravidians are the original inhabitants of India, and the Aryans are even more original inhabitants of India. There are so many references to this complicated notion of "original inhabitation" in the writings of Veer Savarkarji, Guru Golawalkarji, and the poems of Prathan Manthri Vajpayeeji. They are all temples of knowledge!
Reporter: You seem to be taken up with the temples so much. What is next? You will be praying in a Hindu temple?
MK: We have always been in a temple. Temple in Tamil means Alayam. Our party headquarters is called "Arivalayam," meaning Temple of Knowledge. We worship knowledge, any knowledge and every knowledge including secular knowledge and communal knowledge! A rationalist without knowledge is simply a rat in the dark hole. There are so many such rats in Chennai.
Stalin (screams): So many rats? Where? Where are they?
Maran: Calm down, Stalin, calm down! All the rats escaped when the big rat split our grand old family party. If we find any more rats, we will kill them.
Stalin: Oh, brother, please stop! What are you saying? Killing a rat? Don't you know rat is the heavenly vehicle of our Lord Ganesh? How dare you say such a thing? What a sin have you committed?
Maran (looking stunned and shaken): Oh, my God! What did I just say! What can I do now? How can I escape the wrath of Lord Ganesh.
Stalin: Don't you worry, my brother, we can ask Uncle Thackerayji for remedying measures. (He reaches for the phone and dials a number.) Hello, Uncle Thackerayji, Jai Sri Ram, sorry, sorry, Jai Sri Ganesh, oops.Jai Sri Shivaji! What am I saying? Uncle Thackerayji, please allow me to start all over again. This is important. (Hangs up and re-dials.) Hello, Uncle Thackerayji, Jai Shivaji Ganesan!
[Not knowing what to make of the situation, the reporter collapses on the couch and begins to crawl out of the room.]

SCENE II

(The same reporter is interviewing "Amma" Jayalalitha Jayaram in an unidentified palace (for the sake of enhanced security). There is only one chair in the large ornamental hall on which Amma is sitting. Mini-Amma, also known as Sasi-Amma, is sitting on the ground at Amma's feet. The president of the All India Anna Dravida Munnetra Kazhagam V R Nedunchezhiyan, is standing behind the chair with a respectable bow and pleasing smile.)
Reporter: You have been a staunch supporter of the BJP and other Hindutva outfits, and even supported the Ram Temple project enthusiastically. Could you explain that stand?
JJ: The founder of our party is M G Ramachandran. If the Parivar builds a temple for that Ram Chanderji, shouldn't we be joining hands with them? What can be a higher political goal for our party other than constructing this holy temple for our founder who has made us all rich and famous?
Reporter: Why did you break up with them then?
JJ: I wanted them first to dismiss the Ravanaraj that prevails in Tamil Nadu. Destruction of Ravanaraj is more important than construction of Ramraj.
Reporter: Could you describe your recent ideological shift more clearly?
JJ: We have always believed in secular communalism but the BJP Government's dangerous practices of firing Bhagwat, hiring Karunanidhi, and deferring the abrogation of special courts have forced us to revise our ideology to communal secularism.
Reporter (looking puzzled): Secular communalism to communal secularism? I wish I understood? Maybe, if you explain in an Indian language, you may be able to articulate this better. Do you want to try?
(Enraged by this patronizing and insulting remark of the reporter, JJ removes her shoes and begins to beat up the reporter. Mini-Amma also joins in the assault and the reporter prostrates at the feet of Amma and begs for his life.)

SCENE III
(The very same reporter is now talking to Vaiko, the general Secretary of the Marumalarchi Dravida Munnetra Kazhagam (MDMK) at his party headquarters, which is a tea stall in Triplicane area in Chennai. The fiery leader is surrounded by a few of his party brothers. The reporter begins by asking the ideological questions.)
Reporter: I hear rumors that you believe in numerology and that's why you changed your name as Vaiko. Is that right?
Vaiko (Moving the short black towel around his neck in a sawing motion, he roars): Numerology? What is wrong with numerology? Do you know that numerology is an ancient Tamil cultural forte? Why did Thiruvalluvar write 10 couplets under each title? Why did he have only 1330 poems rather than any other number? Why do you think that our Darividian Family founder Periyar shortened his name as EVR? Why do you think that our Dravidian Family's big brother C. N. Annadurai shortened his name as Anna? Why did Jayalalitha Jayaram become Amma? Why, why, why?
Reporter: I just wanted to point out, Sir, that Vaiko sounds like a cholesterol-free coconut oil but your original name, Gopalasamy, is the name of a famous Hindu god which could come in handy during election time,that's why.
Vaiko: But, my innocent Dravidian journalist brother, you should see things in their right perspective. What is my name? Gopalasamy! Where does my archrival, the DMK chief, live in Chennai? Gopalapuram! Now you tell me, should I change my name or not!
Reporter: But, Sir, before your founded your own party, you used to declare in every public meeting that Mr. Karunanidhi did not leave your heart even for a split second?!
Vaiko: Ah, that's what is Dravidian affection, my friend!
Reporter: But then you broke up with him for some trivial differences!
Vaiko: That is Dravidian Self-respect!
Reporter: Now you are back in electoral alliance with the DMK?
Vaiko: That is the call of the Dravidian Hindustan!
Reporter: Dravidian Hindustan?
Vaiko: Yes, Dravidian Hindustan! Where all the Dravidians will be proud that they are Hindus, and all the Hindus will be proud whether they are Dravidians or not. My elder brother Vajpayeeji has a wave going on in this Akhand Hindustan right now. My erstwhile elder brother Karunanidhiji has another small wave going on in the not-so-Akhand Tamil Nadu. We will ride both the waves, win four MPs and form we will that Dravidian Hindustan. The young Dravidian Hindus and Hindu Draividians will walk on this holy Motherland of ours like tigers. They will swim across the ocean and revive the ancient Hindu Tamil and Tamil Hindu glory. These young tigers will go to Sri Lanka, Singapore, Malaysia.
(As Vaiko gets emotional once again, one of his nameless deputies pulls his towel from behind and says something into his ears.)
Vaiko (clearing his throat): Did I say tigers? That is an oversight. Please make that lions! Lions have played a glorious role in the history of our ancient country. Ask my SAD friends Barnalaji or Badalji!
(The reporter staggers out of the MDMK headquarters tea stall and pauses in front of a street-side Ram temple around the corner. The temple is decorated with various combinations of 'black and red' flags. The Head Priest, Sri L K Advani Maharaj, is preparing to perform the puja. Sri Karunanidhi Maharaj is holding the hand-bell and anxiously waiting for the head priest's 'go ahead' nod; Sri Vaiko Maharaj is fanning the hot and sweaty head priest. Sadhvi Jayambara Amma is at a distance crying inconsolably and feeling sorry for throwing away the hand-bell just like that. By the side of the temple, the "Dravidians for Hindustan" bhajan-group is singing with rapt attention and piety: Periyar Ram, Anna Ram, MGR Ram, MK Ram, Vaiko Ram, Stalin Ram, Jay Jay Ram, Sa-Sita Ram.

Curtain!

Contributed by S P Udayakumar, Research Associate and Co-Director of Programs, Institute on Race and Poverty, University of Minnesota (http://www.umn.edu/irp)