2. Sonia Gandhi: Bill could teach her what ‘Congress’ really means. Though she used to look as wooden as Al Gore, things have now changed with the relieved smile she carries post-Priyanka’s wedding. She’s still a grieving widow, however, and Clinton will have to be careful while consoling her - after all, Katherine Wiley deposed that in similar circumstances, Bill “groped her breasts and put her hand on his crotch”. The Congress party won’t mind, though, so long as it gets them into power without having to overhaul the party.

3. Phoolan Devi: The bandit queen meets the bubba king. Clinton could impress her with his Elvis impersonation, while she could pretend to be Seema Biswas. Likes to talk dirty, though US legislators on the phone with Bill are likely to be baffled by the Hindi vulgarities they hear hissed in the background. She’s a tough cookie; Clinton is likely to find the cigar that he offers her returned roughly, if we may put it mildly.

4. Sushma Swaraj: The dethroned Delhi chief minister’s main attraction is that she’s got a bigger butt than even Hilary. Thus, Bill’s ‘oral office’ would now be seeing its ‘dog days’. Yet she’s not only prudish, but has a penchant for men posing as mythological characters, as evidenced both by her stint as the films and TV minister, as well as by her tremulous boyfriend’s penchant for rath yatras. Though most mythic persons have either multiple heads or multiple hands, Clinton would probably want to have multiple… well, you get the idea.

5. Uma Bharti: What Clinton would call a true spice girl. Her fiery anti-Muslim fervor would help nail Osama Bin Laden’s ass, for sure. A real religious type, she’d have no problem getting down on her knees, though it would be to ‘praise the lord’, not to ‘meet the monster’. Her tastes run a bit on the dry, dark and dour side, however - she prefers the pickling BJP one-man think-tank, Govind ‘achaar’, and is unlikely to go for Bill’s ‘beef jerky’.

6. Mayawati: The as-yet-unrevealed reason Strobe Talbott came to India? Clinton heard of a B&W photo in circulation in which the former chief executive of India’s largest state lay on a naked bed, spread-eagled and grinning to glory. Someone told him Mayawati looked kind of like Madeline Albright crossed with Nelson Mandela; on top of which her mentor Kanshi Ram has already undergone three bypass operations. Still, Bill will not be denied a copy of that photo, something he can savour while puffing his cigar.

7. Mamata Bannerjee: This combination might just work. A true Bongali, she is sure to go for his roshagullas. Her shrieking about how long it’s taking for communism to fail in West Bengal may put him off, though. And if something should sour between them, then he should prepare himself for her histrionics: she’s likely sit on dharna in that famous corridor behind the oval office. Clinton need not worry about her deposing; Ken Starr will never figure out what she’s saying: “It vaz owphull, he vaz eggposhing his pinish.”

8. Menaka Gandhi: Her highly public vegetarianism would appear to put a question mark on whether she would ‘eat his meat’. The Sardarni is, however, very fond of any endangered species of animal, and Clinton fits the bill: he’s an animal (just ask either the ladies or the Republicans), and he’s endangered (Hilary is waiting till they leave the White House). Given her environmental concerns and her wooden demeanour, she’s more likely to get it on with Gore. The only one likely to do ‘the dance’ with the cigar - after all, it’s organic.

9. Sharad Yadav: Why would global cowboy Clinton ever fall for this cowherd? He’s uncouth, he’s burly, and he keeps his hand on his crotch, even in bad company. Come to think of it, the same could be said about Sharad Yadav. Sharad, according to associates from earlier days, loves to ‘take it like a man’! And cowpoke Bull Clinton, being a good Southern Christian, believes that giving is better than receiving. So, down with the dhoti and NEEE-HAAA!

10. L K Advani: If Clinton is an old pervert, this one’s even older. The kind who tirades against Muslims, but later secretly visits urban slums in search of the circumcised 12-year-old with whom he will ‘right the historical wrongs’. What Clinton would see in this sicko is hard to imagine, even by us. It’s probably an ego thing: why should Israeli super-stud Benjamin Netanyahu be the only one Advani drools for?

Illustrations by Shekhar Gurera