B is for the Bharatiya Janata Party: Leads a coalition with more parties than a centipede has legs. Except a centipede usually shows more purpose. The BJP’s ministers tend to wear two hats - swadeshi and global. Which is easy for them, because most of them are two-faced.

C is for the Communists: They go red in the face extending support to the Congress to form an alternate Government at the Centre, go crimson when the offer is turned down. Try to revive the comatose United Front, find it trying.

D is for Delhi: The capital. Has more pollution per sq.km than any other city in the country. Also has more politicians per sq.km than any other city. Hmm….. could there be a connection there somewhere?

E for the Elections: The Lok Sabha polls provided another hung Parliament. An apt term for the choke’s on the voter. As the country swings from coalition to coalition, politicians are given enough rope to garrote the democratic system.

F is for Fire: Had chaddi-clad Shiv Sainiks running amok
Said one: “How can two Indian women mate?
It’s unnatural. Rape I understand, this I hate.
If they’re so sex-starved, why should we give a fuck.”

G is for George Fernandes: India’s Defence Minister. Is a socialist who supports liberalisation; is a secularist who refuses to believe that incidents can be communal; is a peacenik who supports the bomb. Maintains a permanently disheveled look to match his thought processes.

H is for Hockey: Is the national game. Is therefore plagued with mismanagement, maladministration, ineptitude and corruption. However, the Indian team did win the Asiad gold medal. Will wonders never cease? Or will Murli Manohar Joshi announce a pogrom to punish these defilers of bharatiya parampara?

I is for Indian Cricket Team: An amalgamation of advertising models, businessmen, hoteliers, bookies and a couple of unfortunates who actually want to play the game. High point: Beating Bangladesh and Kenya to win a one-day tournament. Low point: Every time it does not rain.

J is for Jayalalitha: Likes throwing her weight around in the tottering Central coalition. Has enough tonnage to shake its foundation. Spends her days threatening Vajpayee, filing petitions in court and demanding the dismissal of the Karunanidhi Government.

K is for Karnataka: Is the only state ruled by the Janata Dal. Given its track record, and taking H D Deve Gowda into account, another one of its holdings could well self-destruct. Not that that will bother the JD leadership. Is the party, which has given nearly as many Prime Ministers to the country as it has MPs in the present Lok Sabha.

L is for Lal Krishan Advani: Sardar Patel reductio ad absurdum. Achievements of the country Home Minister? Seeks a presidential form of Government, seeks death sentence for rapists, seeks hot pursuit in Kashmir, seeks hot pursuit of Vajpayee’s head. Loses own head in process and apologises for Babri Masjid demolition. Convinces all the Muslims who still believe the Earth is flat.

M is for Mamata Banerjee: Scored three landmarks - provides the main Opposition to the Marxists in West Bengal; to the BJP coalition from within; and to her own party, the Trinamul Congress. Is known for her histrionics, tantrums, and glass-shattering decibels. And those are her good points. Claims the capability to bring life in Calcutta to a standstill. Unfortunately, given the Bengali psyche, that’s more or less normal.

N is for Nukes: The BJP gloated that the Indian nuclear armoury had come of age. Yes, into that of juvenile delinquency. As a famous Freudian typo spelt out: ``This underlines the basis of India’s unclear policy.’’

O is for Onions: Part of the herd of upwardly mobile vegetable prices. No, no, we do not mean the inflationary trend in bribing politicians. The BJP brigade is still wiping off the tears caused by other parties, read the Congress, knowing their onions better than the knickers did.

P is for Parliament (and the state assemblies): Training ground for future Asiad events - walkouts, well-squattings, saree-pulling, dhoti-ripping, table-chucking, mike-throwing and freestyle wrestling. Events commence as Speaker announced, ``This House is now in session.’’ Medals, gold, silver or bronze, are awarded under the table. Infringements like cooperation in passage of legislation lead to disqualification of participant.

Q is for Que Sera Sera: What will be, shall be
And you’ll have to agree
If you thought 1998 was bad,
You should be glad,
‘cause ’99 could be more dicey.

R is for Romesh Sharma: D-company don. Has caused an epidemic of amnesia among politicians throughout the country. None knew him, patronised him, attended his parties, took him into their party. In fact, he’s just a figment of the media’s imagination.

S is for Sonia Gandhi: Provided the Congress with its binding force - abject sycophancy. Has yet to attain the verbal finesse of Rajiv Gandhi’s ``hum haarenge ya loosenge’’ but blame that on the speech-writers. However, for the power-craving Congresswallahs it’s still a case of Sonia, yet so far.

T is for Thackeray: Balasaheb, the Shiv Sena chief, who teaches his cohorts advanced lumpenism and mindless rhetoric. Has evolved from a fascist to a farcist. Still has to reach neanderthalhood.

U is for Uttar Pradesh: India’s largest state has more ministers than development programmes. Can rightly claim to have checked criminals since most of them are busy attending Cabinet meetings. Has applied the BJP ideology to the utmost, regressing to the heydays of the 10th century (BC, that is).

V is for Vajpayee: Was touted as able and stable
`The Man India Awaits’ was his label.
But now that he’s Premier,
The facts make it clear,
All that has proved a fable.

W is for Waugh and Warne: Aussie cricketers Mark Waugh and Shane Warne
Say they took money but did nothing wrong
in predicting the weather.
You can decide whether
That’s for real or are they just morons?

X is the variable that will cause the next crisis at the Centre and precipitate the mid-term elections.

Y is for Yawn: Epitomising the average Indian politico’s interest in insignificant matters like development, progress, parliamentary etiquette or the welfare of the economy.

Z is for zzzzzzz: The logical culmination of Y.

Illustrations by Siddhartha Mitra