For my unbounded joy I must thank Sri Arjun Singhji. He is like me only - the right person in the wrong party. Two consecutive governments he has toppled -- he is a true patriot. The only thing wrong is the way he talks. It is as if his dentures have come loose, and he is trying to keep them in their place by not opening his mouth more than is required while telling of lies.

Which is a very good idea. I must try it sometime for my dentures have been troubling me. They chatter on their own every time I catch Advaniji staring at me. He is not having any such problems with his teeth, though I wonder why he has been sharpening his fangs. Perhaps it will be better if the BJP does not get too much of sympathy during the elections - who knows what he will make the party MPs do if the BJP comes to power on its own.

Which reminds me, I must make an appointment with the opthalmologist before the party begins campaigning. My eyes feel weak and tired. Tears seem to stream out automatically everytime I attend a Cabinet meeting. Also, I think I am seeing illusory things… Murli Manohar Joshi wearing a Gandhi cap, Kushabhau Thakre wearing tight jeans, Jayalalitha wearing only a two-piece bikini, and Mamata wearing only a lungi. Who is swadeshi and who is videshi?

Is it my eyes or my mind? Or maybe it is my gout. My joints are stiffening. My toes are hurting. I wish Advani would stop treading on them. I think he does that deliberately. Sometimes I wish he would just go away. But Brajesh says that he will not go by himself, he has to be removed, like a gallstone. What a big, green, greasy gallstone Advani is!

The trouble is that this stone is lodged in the wrong place - somewhere which requires the expertise of a proctologist. And that reminds me of Sonia. She appears to be the type who prefers the probes of a proctologist. I am feeling afraid of her. If she finds evidence of Strobe Talbott in such a probe (his cream is in my coffee, as they say in Washington), then how will my party vilify her foreign origin?

In fact, it is that George who has made a mess of things. Because of him, I cannot use Bofors against her. I tell my friends that her brother has brought a lot of real estate around the globe with the kickbacks, but I cannot tell the country, because of what George has been up to. That George, he reminds me of tapeworm. He got into my pork when I formed the Cabinet, and now he has entered my brain. I will need brain surgery to get rid of him.

The RSS says that the cure for all my ailments should not be western but homegrown. In fact, they have recommended a special onion cure. But I do not know if this will work. The Election Commission looks like it will schedule polls after the monsoons. By which time, the onion cure may prove expensive. And another doctor will take over - the Indian electorate. By that time, they may choose to get rid of all my ailments in one fell swoop.

Ails, wails and travails! What the Hell!