Yes, it's that time of the year again when the mass media is hit by year-end hysteria. Not to be left behind, Fair Game has decided on the alternate awards of the year. So, here goes:

Quote of the Year (I): "I have proved those bastards wrong. They are nothing but a piece of shit" - Hockey goalkeeper Ashish Ballal, dropped for the Olympics, after his gold-winning display at the Asiad final.

Quote of the Year (II): "You play, I'll sit." - Hockey captain Dhanraj Pillay in response to abuse from Indian Hockey Federation secretary Jothikumaran after the Commonwealth Games semi-final loss to Malaysia.

Quote of the year (III): "Why send him to Bangkok? He will bring disgrace to the nation" - Anonymous Sports Ministry official trying to block boxer and gold medalist Dingko Singh from going to Bangkok.

Quote of the Year (IV): "Woh kaun hai?" -- Anonymous sports official (aren't they all?) at Bangkok after world billiards champion Geet Sethi demanded official tracksuits for the team.

Quote of the Year (V): "Tracksuits are not essential attire. Why make such a fuss over them?" - Bangkok Chef de Mission GS Mandar.

Goat of the Year: Indian Olympic Association president Suresh Kalmadi. For goodness sake, someone tell him to comb his hair and trim his beard occasionally!

(Scape)Goat of the Year (II): Pakistani umpire Javed Akhtar. What would English cricket have done without him?

Note(s) of the Year: The ones passed onto Mark Waugh and Shane Warne. The crisp sound of which was heard across the cricket world.

Vote of the Year: To the Indian hockey fan who has waited decades for an international gold that counts.

Hero of the Year: Dingko Singh.

Zero of the Year: Various Indian sports officials, ranging from cricket to kabaddi and hockey to football.

Top of the Year: France beats Brazil, World Cup final.

Flop of the Year: Ronaldo beats Brazil, World Cup final.

Shot of the Year: Various, by Sachin Tendulkar

Pot (calling the kettle black) award of the year: Warne and M. Waugh (see above)

Song of the Year: Geet (Sethi). A champ in every sense.

Bong of the Year: No, not Saurav 'Pride of Bengal' Ganguly. This time its Jyotirmoy Sikdar.

Hope of the Year: Ajit Agarkar. He could win us the 1999 World Cup.

Dope of the Year: BCCI secretary JY Lele. For various blunders, inanities and shenanigans.

Booker Prize for Best Fiction: Goes to Outlook magazine for their "I heard him shout…" through the hotel walls of Colombo story. Or should it be for best science fiction?

PR Stunt of the Year: Outlook again, this time for their "Mark This Man" whitewash profile of Mark Mascarenhas.

Bore of the Year (I): Pete Sampras, world number one six times in a row. Who cares?

Bore of the Year (II): Doordarshan, for their obsession with ads. Hey guys, please allow us to watch one full over!

Bore of the Year (III): Those interminable 'fixing' rumours. Lose a close match, drop a catch, get run-out…and they start flying thick and fast.

Bore of the Year (IV): The Star News sports anchor. Can't she think of any adjectives apart from "great" and "pathetic" or the occasional "really great" and "really pathetic". Please!

Con of the Year: DD again. This time for their "deferred live" coverage of some World Cup football matches. "Deferred Live?!"

Don of the Year: Sir Don, the one and only. 90 not out and still going strong.

Son of the Year: Rohan 'you know who?' But when will he finally rise?

Comeback of the Year: Steffi Graf. Wobbly knees and all.

Exit of the Year: PT Usha. In tears, at Bangkok.

Blueline Driver of the Year: Michael Schumacher, for various traffic infractions.

Blunder of the Year: Two cricket teams for the Commonwealth Games and the Sahara Cup equal two disasters.

Blunder of the Year (II): Hindustan Times' TV sports reviewer referring to Channel 9's expert commentator (and ex-Australian captain) Bill Lawry as Bill O'Reilly-who died in 1980!

Wonder of the Year: Paralysed Chinese gymnast Sang Lan. For her fighting spirit, guts and unfailing cheer.

Thunder of the Year: Suresh Kalmadi again. For all that bluster directed at cricket before, during and after the "medals v money" fiasco.

Whiner of the Year: Jaspal Rana. One more "shooting is neglected" story and I'll…

Win of the Year: Vishwanathan Anand wins the Chess Oscar. Garry Kasparov can't believe it.

Sin of the Year: The Australian Cricket Board and the International Cricket Conference. For their shameful cover-up of the 'bookie scandal'.

Finn of the Year: Mika Hakkinen.

And finally…

Column of the Year: You're reading it!

Illustrations by Siddhartha Mitra