Illustration by Siddhartha Mitra

Are Indian men Mama's boys? I may not be the best person to answer that. Being an staunchly independent woman does not rank me high in popularity with most Indian men. On the contrary, Mama frowns if beta manages to muster enough courage to take me home: not your submissive bahu material to play the please-his-mama act to perfection. And Mama will quickly recognise a likely challenge to her little domestic fiefdom; she'll act to stem the rot at the very onset. After all, she wants only the best for her son -- "very beautiful, very fair, very slim, but not very smart".

I have no count of the men, including the 'liberated' ones, who admit that an important factor in deciding on a life-mate is that "she would have to get along with mother." Rajesh the exporter is a self-made millionaire. But when it comes to life's crucial decisions, he never disobeys his mother's wishes. Alok the successful Citibanker is no better. One maternal frown of disapproval was enough to drop the love-of-his-life Manipuri girlfriend and settle for Mama's demure and 'socially acceptable' find. As for Ravi, a two-year live-in relationship stopped short of the altar when Mom in Madurai let it be known that she could not adjust with a Punjabi city belle.

Are these modern-day mutations? No, they have their mythical predecessors: the Mahabharata's Karan gave Kunti his protective amulet, at her request, to enable half-brother Arjun to vanquish him in battle. Such sacrifice for a mother who abandoned him as a baby! And the polyandrous Pandavas did what they did only because mother asked them to share whatever it was that they had got. Did Draupadi have a say in the matter?

Interestingly, we women are responsible for creating the species. Beginning with amniocentesis, to spoiling the son/grandson while his sister silently stares, to encouraging the doting son to hurry to 'mommy' with every minor marital discord… is it a wonder that even those marriages which take place with Mama's blessings end up in divorce courts? In family set-ups where Mama remains supreme and ideal, it is a tough act for wife to follow. Still, the moment mother-in-law exits, the long suffering victim swoops to control her son's life, thus perpetuating the warped cycle in the domestic power arena. The queen is dead. Long live the Queen!

Indira Das is an executive with Deepak Talwar Associates.

Illustration by Siddhartha Mitra

When half an hour after a show of temper, mom would still sweetly tell you that dinner was ready.

When she protected you from your dad - hiding the fact of your girlfriends, your late-night parties, the money he never knew you had taken from her?

When she would show up religiously at your school for every function even as dad was always busy and when she would always aggressively fight with the teacher or the headmistress if she felt you were being ill-treated.

Yes, chances are your mom was the eternal comforter, always there for you, and accepted and loved you completely and unquestioningly. She never saw the warts. And that is what created the problems for you in life. For you began to believe that you didn't have any warts. You would be shocked out of your wits, therefore, when your girlfriends would notice them, or your teacher, or later in life, your employer. You would long for mama then, but it would be too late. That was bad enough.

The plight of the Nineties Indian man, however, is much worse. And it would be comical if it weren't so tragic. The trouble is that the Nineties woman has changed - or is changing in any case. And she is not taking any shit from him anymore (if he insists on giving it, it hits the fan). She's no longer willing to do what he always took for granted. She's not going to be the eternal comforter that his mother was. She is not going to make unreasonable compromises to please him. He's no longer going to get whatever he wants. Not from her anyway. So now the poor man is traumatised, confused. He can't really go back to mama. He can't really accept the belligerence of this New Woman. In short, he's screwed.

The good thing about this is that he and his wife can now perhaps raise their son differently - they can raise a creature who is not selfish and spoilt and someone who does not regard himself as the centre of the universe. A creature who is more - dare one use the word - sensitive. A creature who is not a mama's boy. A man who is in a better position to handle the woman of the next century.

Because, let's face it guys, we haven't seen nothing yet from this New Woman. The worst is yet to come. So either tell your lawyer to get the divorce papers ready. Or change, buddy, you silly Mama's boy!

Amit Agarwal is deputy editor of Mantra, the men's magazine.

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