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Do Indian men owe their women an Orgasm?

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Sagarika Ghose
It all began, of course, with the Mahatma and those wacky nocturnal "experiments". I mean, lying nude with two naked nieces on either side and calling it "nation-building"! No wonder we're a bit confused about rights and wrongs and no wonder the sexuality of the post-1947 Indian male is such a mess of guilt-about-pleasure.

"Love!" we demand, but he only stares at the mirror; "Empathy!" we yell, but he only shows us his baby photos; "Conversation!" we urge, but he only grunts about his latest paycheck; "stimulation!" we bark but he's already watching ESPN; "friendship!" we ask, and he buys a blank Archie's card; and "orgasm!" we plead but he thinks we're referring to a musical instrument.

There we are cajoling, pummeling and orally coaxing that offensive organ to disgorge its life-giving fluid. Holding our breath through the sweaty squelch and stink, endeavouring to make sexy sounds all the while worrying about how to get the stains off the sheets. And yet just as we unveil our daring lingerie and advance seductively he only lapses into his favourite mother-related fantasy or writhes in ecstasy about the masi from Ghaziabad.

Men not only owe women an orgasm, they should be legally bound to provide it. And not seek refuge in a cock-out about 'demanding' feminists.

Slang Match Image Part1

Illustration by Rustam Vania


After all we women deserve it. Don't we slog hard by day, tending to the criminally-inclined progeny, scouring the bed pan of the propertied great aunt who might mention us in her will, wilting in the onion queue, screaming in the salt mob, assaulting DESU linesmen in a frenzy of heat induced rage, not to mention being oppressed in our workplaces by testosterone-driven bosses who's idea of sexual excitement seems to be to keep women down if not under them at all times -- after all this surely we deserve a lift-off into life-altering, mind-improving hormonal frenzy?

But oh no. Paradoxically, Kama Sutra or no Kama Sutra, in the land where the flow of semen is not seasonal and where DNA seems to be smeared on every tree trunk, the Indian male simply performs his dreary in-and-out routine rolls over and instantly falls into a coma, leaving half the population of the Mahatma's nation, to close their eyes and think of the fun his nieces never had.

What were the founding fathers thinking? The female orgasm should be a male fundamental duty enshrined by the Supreme Court and punishable by a strict sentence. And all those amma-fixated, hair-oiling, pimple-encrusted, butter-chicken wolfing, denizens must be made aware by NGOs, and other public agencies on the needs to keep on going. No more pelvic hiccups, but constant locomotion. Don't just roll over and sleep, don't just use the hand-crafted technique of self-gratification, don't plead spondilitis, don't get sudden cramps once the sticky stuff is wiped off. But stand again and be a woman! Forget what they said about the myth that the bharatiya nari doesn't have a libido.

If we can't have 33 per cent reservations in Parliament, if the girl child is still a prisoner of those evil statistics, then how about some affirmative action in bed, at least?

Sagarika Ghose is a senior special correspondent with Outlook.

 

 
Kajal Basu
An orgasm is an anhedonic's nightmare. So it is only fitting that the first movie exploitation of a huge Caligula Climax should be in Woody Allen's Sleeper: in a metal orgasm inglenook just a single generation design evolution from today's very uncarnal telephone booth. Allen pops into one, his date into the next, something shuddery happens between human and booth, they pop out, the outcome, or ingo, of a 21st century date over and done with.

Slang Match Image Part2

Illustration by Siddhartha Mitra


Anti-post-quasi-neo-Indian Penal Code questions: Does the man give the woman her orgasm? Nah. Can he ever be sued for rape? Nah. Can he ever be a sorry stiff in the dock for alimony and childcare? Nah. Can partnerships be annulled on grounds of non-cohabitation? What partnerships. How long does it take for that variety of advocate called a "rapechaser" to go extinct? How long ago was penal substituted by penile?

If there is one definitive information source for the 20th century history of bonking, I think is in the Shere Hite Hall of Simulated Stimulation, or Stimulated Simulation, or #@*&%! whatever: The Hite Report on Female Sexuality (1976), The Hite Report on Men and Male Sexuality (1981), Women and Love (1990), and Shere Hite - Women as Revolutionary Agents of Change: Selected Essays in Psychology and Gender 1972-1993. Apart from inadvertently coining the intransitive verb, "to orgasm" and bringing the Devil's Legionnaires, "the unreconstructed men", to their scabby knees, Hite was instrumental in paving the way for the overspill of female revolutionary ardour that Germaine Greer hasn't ceased griping about: femiNazism. And, of course, rather unsettling scientific Rand Corporation-like talk of human parthenogenesis.

Good grief. As of tomorrow, we can shut down all the world's sperm factories and still perpetuate the human race - minus men, who today do half the job. Badly, granted. Narcissistically. Post-coital Marlboro more important than aftplay snogging. Before the Hite reports, masculine selfishness was largely that of not caring about giving the female principle (principal?) a requited orgasm. After the Hite reports, every man worth his performance wanted to give his female partner an orgasm - till it was widely suggested that they wanted to because a female orgasm had become a victory pennant, an indication of male virility. You can't win. Men, you know that revolution will extract its collateral damage. You've been extracting it for millennia, without a revolution to justify it.

But parthenogenesis as punishment? Parthenogenesis is the tail end of femiNazistic gynaecological reductio ad absurdum. Parthenogenesis would have been invaluable to the Amazons, who underwent single mastectomy to simplify the pectoral ergonomics of carrying a quiver of arrows. Bugger Cupid: grab the guy with the biggest, doesn't matter if he doesn't look like Paul Newman, aim your arrows well -- don't impale his cod! You can un-gender, or re-gender, all the Biblical begets if you want to repair history by rewriting it, but the damage, my friends, is done.

I hate to advise this, but abstinence is often a healing repression. As for what Shakespeare's beast with two backs aspires to: if any of the world's major Judaeo-Christian religions were followed to the decimal, a global anti-climax would have depopulated Mother Earth millennia ago. If it's any consolation, a male orgasm is still imperative to the perpetuation of the human race: a female orgasm still isn't.

Kajal Basu is a futurologist and a science fiction writer.

Next Topic : Have Indian men driven their women to lesbianism?

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