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Vishva Bandhu Gupta peels the layer off the Onion Republic
…and finds that Fire douses male potency

Slang Match Slang Match

Do Indian men owe their women an Orgasm?
Fair Game Fair Game

White Man's black money
Laughing Stock Laughing Stock

Top Ten causes for the Selling out of India
Smear Scape Smear Scape

RSS to dump Vajpayee, Nagpur's new PM by New Year
Calumny Column Calumny Cloumn

Laloo and Mulayam's Marriage of Convenience
HateEmail HATe-mail

Spins & Needles Spins & Needles
 
 
Vishva Bandhu Gupta
Vajpayee lay in deep stupor -- like Ganesha, having had his milk and gone to sleep. Ashok Singhal blew a seashell but to no avail. The Prime Minister was in a state of shock, mumbling "onions" every few minutes. L K Advani, Murli Manohar Joshi, S Gurumurthy, Kushabhau Thakre and Pramod Mahajan surrounded him, anxiety writ large on their faces.

"We will have to summon a doctor," Pramod said, heaving a big sigh. "He is certainly under a big shock." His fingers danced on his cellular phone as if they just needed an excuse. "Leave your child's toy. I know a good ayurvedic vaid. He will cure him. My family had long term gas problem and he treated them all," said Murli Manohar.

Main Story Cartoon It was Pramod's turn to get mad. "You, your vaid friend and your long standing gas problem. We can't risk an able Prime Minister and a stable government on any quack. This Swadeshi nonsense is good for illiterate masses," thundered Mahajan

Murli Manohar fuming, decided to leave the room. "You upstart! There is no way Sangh Parivar can compromise on Swadeshi. One should die rather than compromise on principles," he shouted. Advani had a fresh look at Vajpayee. He quietly signaled Pramod to call a doctor.

"But why not give him some juice? May be some onions also," ventured Gurumurthy sheepishly.

"Do you know the history of onions? Onions were brought to India first by Mogul invaders," shouted Advani, wringing his hands. "My culture does not permit me to say it but I should. You know onions are said to enhance male potency considerably".

"That sounds diabolical, Lal Krishna," said Kushabhau unbelievably. "Now I know the reason for so much Moslem population in India. Now I know why we lost in Madhya Bharat. And now we know how they manage to keep three wives."

"I am glad there was onion shortage", claps Ashok Singhal feverishly.

Pramod finally got through on his cellular, but seemed very upset. "Doctor is not home. His wife says he is standing in some queue for onions for last six hours," he announced.

"You mean Prime Minister of India will have to wait and onions can't," screamed Advani.

"Looks like it. India is turning into an Onion Republic," Mahajan replied, matter of factly.

"Get me through to Bala Sahib. He shall manage some from Nasik," Advani demanded.

Pramod's fingers danced one again on Cellular. He got into an animated conversation and again seemed upset. "He says he will only talk to Home Minister and no one else."

"Why is it so?" asked Advani

"I don't want this Pakistani Cricket team in India at any cost," thundered the voice at the other end.

"What does Pakistani Cricket team have to do with onions?" Advani demanded. "You know the whole government here is on fire."

"Fire. That exactly I want to talk about. That obscene film will not be allowed any where. Can you imagine our females making love to each other?" Bala Sahib was fuming now.

"But what does it have to do with your sending onions from Nasik?" asked Advani.

"Every bit. Ever since there have been no onions for us Hindus our women have started getting friendly with each other. This whole civilization is now in a gutter," replied Bala Sahib.

Advani had tears in his eyes. "Looks like the Moslem occupation of our civilization is complete," said Advani. "Any thing on the wires?"

"A small report from PTI," replied his PA meekly.

"What is it?"

"The doctor is no more. This report says his wife murdered him in a fit of rage for not having brought onions home," replied the PA, meekly.

Illustration by Siddhartha Mitra


Vishva Bandhu Gupta, an additional commissioner of Income Tax, is the former editor of Graffitti. He was responsible for the cases against Dawood Ibrahim henchman Romesh Sharma.

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