2. After the tests came the torrent of words. Sample chief spin doctor Brajesh Mishra, who famously declared: "These tests have established that India has a proven capability for a weaponised nuclear programme." He obviously doesn't know basic recent Indian history, say circa 1974. His utterances cast a deep and abiding aspersion on his previously little known work as a foreign service officer. (For example, which foreigners did he service?) The Pakistanis evidently don't think much of his hog calls; they've started throwing more ammunition across the border than ever before. So much for the deterrence that Mishra talks of.

3. Another who has since pushed the art of talking through a hat to an absurd form is Jaswant Singh, the Quixotic former army officer. He doesn't tilt at windmills, though, he simply bends over (someone else does the tilting). Job description? Strobe Talbott's stenographer-in-chief. Work perks: travels frequently to exotic places just so he can take dictation uninterruptedly. Has applied for frequent flier miles, even though he mentally reached the destination in his mind long before he could ascertain that his plane wasn't built for takeoffs, only for crash landings.

4. A PJ Abdul Kalam's famous words: "There is no need to worry about Ghauri" (April 26). The unsaid part: Worry about everything else, mainly Kashmir. He is obviously reading what dictation Jaswant is taking down very carefully. Would he say, otherwise, "Our missiles are capable of delivering anything, even flowers". A clear attempt at mollification. Translation: Hey guys, we are with you on cap, rollback and elimination. Peace dividend, anyone? Let the Woodstock Generation not overlook Dr Kalam's very unusual hairstyle or his experiments with music and poetry.

5. Emerging from this whole sorry ongoing saga is the saddest assessment of the world's 4th largest standing army - that it was the world's largest underemployed and overpaid army -- even before the BJP's much-hyped strategic review can get coherently underway. Funnily, the confirmation came from erstwhile journalist Karl Inderfurth (on May 13): "The Indian officials... have cited a variety of issues as a rationale for testing... that the Indian military capabilities are no longer respected in this region, and thus this series of tests were necessary". Time someone told us what is really happening in the region, say in Kashmir.

6. L K Advani: Full time temple demolisher and part time Arnold-Schwarzenegger-in-bandana clone, on Kashmir. With only one crucial difference: Advani is Rambo minus the brains. His idea of hot pursuit was recently most clearly demonstrated after American ambassador Richard Celeste visited Kashmir, with the headlines suggesting that Advani had timed his tour in such a manner as to suggest a hot pursuit, just so he could collect the certificates that were seemingly being handed out Obviously a firm believer in the philosophy that words speak louder than action. But is anybody listening?

7. George Fernandes: While he is not entertaining visiting LTTE sympathisers he is busy dreaming up enemies. He is the defence ministry's version of a DJ. This week he puts China on top of the hate list; next week it may be the turn of Seychelles. His every utterrance in office is being collected for a book to be entitled: How To Sound Like A Defence Minister While Thinking With The Absolute Clarity Of A Pee Wee Herman. Exchanges notes on China with film critic Gautam Kaul while keeping the PMO and Brajesh Mishra out of the information loop.

8. Madan Lal Khurana and Pramod Mahajan: The Tweedledum and Tweedledee of Indian politics, only with attitude. They think that fighting a war is as simple as going into a video game parlour. To better acquaint them with reality, they should be locked up in the same room with Jayalalitha and the key thrown away. If they come out unscathed, they could get into the WWF Circuit as Onion Man and Onion Peel Man. That way they will be taken more seriously, even inside the party.

9. The ISI Chief: The One Man Who Has the Entire Indian Cabinet Tied Up In Knots which tells us a lot about his conceptualising and executing abilities. It also tells us a lot about the work ethic of the entire current Indian cabinet and its productivity, put together. Advani has recently accorded him a more than grudging respect by commissioning the only official biography of the outfit and its activities soon to be published at Government Expense in the form of a White Paper. This is a unique exercise which while allowing the government's inefficiency to be whitewashed and at the same time make it official!

Illustrations by Siddhartha Mitra