If the Indians were not bad enough, sada Bill also also let me down. I went over the Washington thinking that we could have a cosy discussion perhaps with a couple of interns thrown in, and instead he made me wait at Blair House. I tell you, the next time he comes to Pakistan, I will meet him in Peshawar and let the Pathans loose.

He screamed at me! Can you believe that?? After all those years that we have prostrated ourselves before the United States, he asks me to withdraw the mujahideens. How, pray? Those mujahideens never withdraw and that's why their men stick so close together (hehehe). It's easier said than done. I was asked to face a forest of bearded faces, trying to make them listen. It's like I told Bill, could you ask Hillary to give Monica a good character certificate? He told me that if he could get Hillary to move to New York, I could get the mujahideen to move to Rawalpindi. I told him that we were wasting time over a dead, lifeless, cold wasteland. He answered that we should stop discussing Hillary and talk about Kargil instead!

He expects me to give them Osama. Think about that, you know what the Taleban are like. I try something like that and I could end up the latest street decoration just like Najibullah.

Nobody listens to me. That woman, Benazir whatshername, keeps shouting from London or wherever she's hiding now, and they pay attention to her menopausal jabbering. They even listen to Najam Sethi even after my men conducted their subtle public relations campaign. Even that damned mohajir, Pervez Musharraf, who for God's sake, does not speak Punjabi that even that goateed Gujral does, keeps ignoring me or worse, looking at me with that flicker of a snicker. I wonder what's on his mind?

I can't even walk around in Islamabad any more. If I went out, I would probably be lynched. I tell them look how the international community has reacted favourably to us, haven't you seen the Burkina Faso statement? For some reason, they don't believe me.

I tell them are greater battles ahead, battles to be fought to appease the Almighty powers. But they say that I should not let the World Bank and the IMF dictate terms to me. They were not even impressed with my oratory on PTV, they simply switched to more interesting telecasts like those repeats of Wasim Akram's team being thrashed at Lord's.

I keep telling everyone that Pakistan was not involved in the intrusion, so why blame us? I mean, you have to disregard small things like a couple of divisions joining the mujahideen. I also told them that I didn't know anything about the attack, but again they didn't believe me. Believe me, I really didn't know what Javed Nasir and gang were up to in my anteroom. Ask George, he believes me.

After all I have done for the country, all the sacrifices I have made (I even opened a Swiss bank account in the name of the Qaid-e-Azam), they will not let me live in peace now. Maybe, I should ask the Indians to give me the status of political refugee. They could always hide me someplace where people can get lost forever like the India International Centre.