The Secret Autonomy Report Report As Taped By Aditya Sinha

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Jaal has come through once again for its faithful legions. It has stolen the recordings of the "dialogue" between Farooq Abdullah and Atal Behari Vajpayee on the issue of autonomy for Kashmir. The following is the transcript of these secret tapes: ABV: Haan bhai, bol. FA: Haanji. ABV: You heard the news about the plane crash? FA: Yeah yeah. Sad. Gruesome photos on Star News. ABV: Not so bad. Most of the top NTPC officials were killed. We can now go ahead with its disinvestment. Only thing was the four airhostesses getting wiped out. FA: Truly a tragedy. Why don't you sack Sharad Yadav? ABV: Yes, yes. But who to bring in his place? FA: How about my boy Omar? ABV: What can he do? FA: If we don't get autonomy we can at least manage an international airport at Srinagar. (Interruption by PM aide Kuchcha Gupta) KG: Sir, Miss Universe to see you. FA: Send her in! Send her in! (To PM) Bhai, tumhari job bahut wonderful hai! (Lora Dutta enters, accompanied by The Slimes of India deputy resident editor Fokhat Kazmi) LD: Hello, PM Saheb, CM Saheb. ABV: (Incredulously) Aap kya Lora Dutta hai? FK: Nahin, main to Fokhat hoon. ABV: Aap Fokhat bhi hain, tandurust bhi hain. FK: PM Saheb, aap to bahut naughty hai. ABV: Main naughty bhi hoon, Atal bhi hoon. LD: Excuse me… but what about your dialogue? FA: Yes, yes, just now I will have a dialogue with you… (This is the part of the tapes where there is no conversation for about five minutes) ABV: How is it that Indian women always win these beauty contests? FA: Sir, they are all arranged in advance. ABV: Who arranges them? FA: Sir, we have just learnt that it is the ISI. Our RAW has been trying to counter their nefarious designs. It sent an ordinary woman to the contest last year, but she won the Miss World title. The RAW sent an even more ordinary woman this year, and look, she is now Miss Universe. Next year they are thinking of sending Fokhat Kazmi. ABV: But what does the ISI have to gain from all this? (Interruption by Kuchcha Gupta) KG: Sir, director general income tax to see you. DGIT: Sir, the raids were successful. ABV: So you found out who is behind the cricket match-fixing? DGIT: Yes Sir, it is the ISI. ABV: What? How can this be? DGIT: It's true Sir. The ISI has been fixing matches in order to fix the international beauty pageants. ABV: I just don't understand. This is all so mind-boggling. FA: This is all fine, but what about my demand for autonomy? (Interruption by Kuchcha Gupta) KG: Sir, you can't give them autonomy. ABV: Why not? KG: Sir, we've found out who is behind the demand for autonomy. ABV: Wait, don't tell me. Is it the ISI? KG: Sir, you are a clairvoyant. FA: I don't understand. What does autonomy for Kashmir have to do with match-fixing and Lora Dutta? And why is the ISI involved in all three? ABV: Don't you see? It is all being done at the behest of World Emperor Bill Clinton. FA: Why? ABV: So that the people of India are so stunned and disgusted that they neither protest nor care when we sign the CTBT later this year. FA: Now I get it. ABV: Good. RECENTLY ON JAAL: When Batsman Became Betsman India's Human Genome Projectile Stone Age Flaws In ICE Age Laws A Dry Spell For Policy Planning Lara's Theme Dotcom Bubble Gum: Burst Or Bust Inside A VIP Cell A To Do About Dos A Dress Code For Klintonji Aditya Sinha has written two non-fiction books on Kashmir. He is also a gnu-worshipper SEND US YOUR FEEDBACK ABOUT THIS ARTICLE: Feedback Form Your Name: Your Email: Subject: Details:

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