The unfairness of it all! Indian cricketers are routinely castigated as underperforming, undertalented, overpaid chokers. Media pundits will tout figures like the runs they don't score, the wickets they don't take, the run they give away, the catches they drop, to prove their point. The world has moved on for such petty considerations to be relevant. The New Cricketer should be judged by other yardsticks.
As a measure of public service, we make these suggestions that may be considered by the ICC towards creating a suitable Y2K compliant formula towards ranking modern-day players.
a) Tax evasion: The amount of money that has been safely stashed away in untraceable account in the Cayman Islands or other equally salubrious banking environs, should be the first factor. Negative points for details of bank accounts, investments and other financial statements of assets actually recovered by raiding Income-Tax officials. Extra points for creating benami accounts. A megabonus should be awarded to any player who actually manages to convince the sleuths that he has paid what's due to the Government.
b) Property: Any cricketer who lives in a single-room rented accommodation in Panvel, Paschim Vihar or similar infra dig digs, should be immediately disqualified. Residences in Banjara Hills or Golf Links should be the minimum requirement towards awarding points. extra points should be awarded for those owning islands of their own, preferably in North America or Europe. Also according to the number of properties owned, with a bonus when the figure crosses a dozen, though each offshore holding will be considered equal to two Indian homes. Points will be calculated on the basis of the floor area of the properties. After all, we cannot have inequitable comparisons between a sprawling bungalow in Chattarpur and a dingy hole somewhere in Godforsaken Ghaziabad.
c) Modelling assignments: Points should be awarded for each brand that a particular player endorses. Points also to be calculated on the number of television commercials he appears in during the calendar year designated for the computation. Extra points to those who manage to appear utterly ridiculous in the ads.
d) The Company They Keep: Mingling with common mortals like you or I should count towards deduction of points. Points should be awarded on the basis of the frequency with which cricketers are seen in the convivial company of film stars, important politicians, the glitterati, venture capitalists and major industrialists. Two sub-categories are important under this section: I) Bookies: Points for the number of bookies seen frequenting the hotel rooms/ homes of these cricketers. Extra points to any player who introduces the bookie to another player.
II) Girlfriends/ wives: Players who have hitched up with prominent starlets or ravishing models to be given bonus points. Those who are seen switching such glamorous companions at regular intervals to be allocated even more extra points. Those who settle down with homely girls selected by their parents to be docked points.
e) Style: The elan with which cricketers conduct themselves is another significant factor. A fleet of Mercedes, for instance, or a cupboardfull of Rolexes, should count towards extra points. Any player found travelling in an autorickshaw should be immediately banned from any future international engagement.

Other factors similar to these may be added according to the wisdom of the ICC since we are modest enough to allow flexibility and do not set down stringent guidelines. As we mentioned before, this is just social service.

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