The Sydney Olympics are coming up and as usual the Indian contingent is unlikely to get any medal. However, we attribute that to the inappropriate selection of events that are scheduled for these Games. There is a vas reservoir of talent lying untapped within the country; sporting abilities that could provide us with a sporting chance. We make the following suggestions to the Indian Olympic Association to put forth before the International Olympic Committee; sports that should be included in future Games. If our advise is acted upon, we predict a glittering future for our athletes.

I. Poll Vault: Contestants would be given a set of ballot boxes and the aim of the competition would be to see which team managed to stuff these with spurious votes, the fastest. Extra points would also be awarded to teams that thwart rivals with apparatus such as dandas, lathis, countrymade pistols, knives, etc.
2. Verbal Gymnastics: Contestants to be selected from the vast and experienced pool of politicians cutting across party lines. These eminent participants have shown expertise in somersaulting on promises they may have made during any election, or on quotes they may have given to the media and regretted almost immediately. However, those who have tied themselves up in knots in doing so will not be considered.
3. Field Hookey: Again, a large pool of talent is available from among the Government servants throughout the country. They can draw upon their expertise in ether inventing excuses for not attending office or if forced to do so, not sullying their reputation by actually doping any work, or in organising strikes in case their chronic absenteeism is acted upon by the Government.
4. Foot Bawl: Another event closely related to Verbal Gymnastics. Here the contestants will be chosen on the basis of merit displayed in consistently putting their feet in their mouths and thereafter crying out that whatever they may have said had been a) taken out of context, b) misquoted, c) forged.
5. Basket Bawl: Several administrators including chief ministers of most states will qualify for this event. The shortlist will comprise of candidates who have played major roles in ensuring that the State Government or Department has been reduced to a basket case courtesy populism, population, corruption, etc. Those who cry the loudest at the apathy shown by the Centre at the lamentable state of the State's finances will be specially considered for inclusion in the squad.
6. Weightlifting: Open to all peons of any Government department given their decades of experience in lugging mounds of files from one bureaucrat's office to that of another and back and forth and back….. The process is repeated several times over. The final leg of the event concludes as the files are consigned to storage from where they are never recovered.
7. The Crawl: The actual process of the transfer of the files where the ultimate objective is not in clearance of any pending proposal but in consigning it to storage from where it will never be recovered.
8. The High Hurdles: Open to all members of the public who have had to deal with clerkdom at every level of the official machinery. Many of the more experienced contenders have spent decades trying to convince an obstinate babu that they are not dead as shown in Government records.
9. The Sprint: Open to all celebrities from all walks of life who show great fleetness of foot in running away from the media in an effort to escape uncomfortable questions. However, wannabe celebrities, who run to the media showing similar fleetness, may also be considered for the heats.
10. Passing The Buck: The 4x400m relay - in reverse. The contestants could be drawn from among the large and supremely talented pool of career bureaucrats. The traditional baton would be replaced with a Government file. The objective of the race is to pass the file backwards from the finishing line. The first team to return to square one would be the winner.


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