Now that Prime Minister Atal Behari Vajpayee has gone to the United States, the Big Question is How will he get back? In a stretcher? Minus una coteledon? Or is he planning to stay there till his detractors within the party take out a full page advertisement in the New York Times saying: "Atalji come back. All is forgiven"? Prime Minister's Office Spinsters are making it out that Vajpayee has done the nation a great favour by going to the US. It is the other way round. The secret agenda of Vajpayee's trip which no one has got so far is this: Vajpayee has gone to help Clinton pack and leave the White House. The hiccup came when his doctors discovered that he's in no shape to do even that. Otherwise the ten people he should really have met in the United States would have looked something like this:
I. George Bush Jr (Translation into English: a minor shrub: Rumour mills have it that a meeting was almost arranged between Dubya (Bush Jr) and Atalji. This could have happened in Texas but protocol-wise it would have looked great for a Prime Minister of a nation that houses more than a sixth of the world's population to go calling on a Governor-level person, although the RSS types were keen that this happen, given the exclusive vegetarian angle present in the name Bush. Another persuasive reason to visit him would have been to allow a possible President of the US to get acquainted with Vajpayee as preparation for the debate where Al Gore is now sure to ask him: So do you now know the name of the Indian Prime Minister, a dirty tactic designed to show up the slow-learner aspect of Bush who with great difficulty managed a C at his Ivy league school and who looked as though he were being given foreign policy lessons exclusively by Dan Quayle.
2. Monica Lewinsky: We'll keep this one short. Vajpayee would be well advised to meet Ms Lewinsky, at least to get to know exactly what kind of a cigar to present Bill Clinton with. We refuse to be drawn into any speculation as to what use Clinton would have for a cigar in the company of Vajpayee. Neither is famous for cigar inhalations.
3. Alfred E Neuman: For better sound bytes during his speeches in the US.
4. Pervez Musharraf: So that Vajpayee can say, "Take a good look at this person. Is it possible to make peace in our times with such a man? "The implication will be that since Vajpayee is not on a robust health wicket, time is obviously on Musharraf's side.
5. Ronald Reagan: To take some lessons in order to apply the "evil empire spiel" on Pakistan now that seems to be Vajpayee's one-point agenda.
6. Ralph Nader: Now that Ralph has formally requested to be included in the presidential debates in a letter addressed to the chairmen of ABC, CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, Fox and C-Span, he and Vajpayee can form an alliance against the televisionwise-ignored. Nader told the network executives that the debate schedules proposed by Al Gore and George W. Bush "are flawed in that they effectively deny major third-party candidates a voice in the debates. You can see a public interest duty to save the American people from massive amounts of No-Doz as they try to deal with a series of soporific debates between the drab and the dreary," Nader. Now if Nader and Vajpayee could arrange a simultaneous TV appearance, then not only would that be politically correct but also no one would take notice. Everybody would fall asleep.
7. Godzilla: Actually, we are including this one because, like it or not, Godzilla is the most famous and rivetting export from Japan, one that does not even require a H1 visa. More importantly, it takes over not only New York but also the American imagination. Also, relevantly, all those fighter planes hovering and crashing around Godzilla with such poor aim is strongly redolent of Kargil. That brings us to this Quiz: What's the difference between Godzie and Vajpayee? Answer going by medical reports, Vajpayee is well on the way to extinction, Godzilla can always make a comeback. Besides the only thing that will capture the headlines in USA would be: Godzilla meets Vajpayee on the fringes of the UN summit, endorses Indian position on Security Council! "That would wipe out all other stories off the networks,too.
8. Jaswant Singh: Considering that this neo-turbaned creature is spending such a lot of time outside the country, it would be useful for Vajpayee to catch up with Jaswant, at least now while there is still that slim chance.
9. Norman Schwarzkopf: To take lessons on how to pulverize a country into submission but still keep dictators alive.
10. The Surgeon General: For two reasons. One it is rumoured that researchers at Stanford University say they may have found the gene that causes narcolepsy, the disease where people suddenly fall asleep at odd times. If they can find a pill that cures it, the Vajpayee's media managers could buy the entire supply to spike the punch at his next speech he delivers sitting down. Also, while the medical industry searches for drugs and surgical procedures to eliminate chronic pain, a therapy introduced over half a decade ago is apparently becoming popular among medical practitioners in the United States. We quote extensive from a report that speaks about this. It's called "Prolotherapy" and a strong proponent is former US Surgeon General C Everett Koop, MD. When Koop was forty years old, he was diagnosed in two separate neurological clinics as having incurable pain. It was then that he learned of Prolotherapy and sought the help of an expert practitioner for treatment. His condition, once considered "incurable," ceased to be a problem. Now, he publicly recommends Prolotherapy and tells his personal experience with it in the first-ever book for lay people devoted exclusively to the subject by one of the nation's premier practitioners, Ross A Hauser, MD. The book is entitled "Prolo Your Pain Away!: Curing Chronic Pain With Prolotherapy" (Beulah Land Press, 1998). Prolotherapy is a simple procedure used to treat such conditions as arthritis pain, back pain, migraines, neck pain, sports injuries, TMJ, tendonitis, fibromyalgia, sciatica, herniated discs and loose joints. It is a safe technique that stimulates the body's healing mechanisms to grow new ligament and tendon tissue. It involves the injection of natural substances at the site where ligaments and tendons attach to the bone, thus stimulating the ligaments and tendons to proliferate at the injection site. This would kill two birds with one stone: Vajpayee's pain and the pain he inflicts on his audience.

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