So, the match fixing report is out. And about. And causing a bout of media frenzy.
How can we let Jaal be left out?
So we gathered the Central Bureau of Investigation's Report On Cricket Match Fixing And Related Malpractices. That's what the 162-page tome perused by barely literate cricket administrators, players and hacks, amounts to.
Unfortunately, we also happened to run out of toilet paper around the same time, so just a couple of pages of the document survive in our office. However, we aim to please, so here's a careful appraisal of some point of interest that featured in those pages.
Page 4: Among the parameters ascribed by the CBI to describe match fixing is this: "instances where an individual or group of players received money individually/ collectively to underperform."
We believe that this single sentence subverts the entire report. Is it possible for the Indian team to underperform? Can it go lower than 54 all out?
Page 11: "During the enquiry, it was also learnt that the lure of easy money has gradually attracted the underworld into this racket. It seems that it is only a matter of time before major organised gangs take direct control of this racket, a phenomenon that would have implications not only for cricket but for national security as a whole."
Well, we always thought the lure of easy money attracted people to politics. It's heartening to know that fresh vistas are being opened up for enterprising Indians. Also, as for "organised gangs", we thought the BCCI already ran cricket in the country!
Page 23: "By the end of 1994, disputes arose between MK (Gupta) and Anand Saxena, his partner, mainly because of Anand Saxena's womanising and also because he had contracted some illness. MK has stated that Anand Saxena had cancer and thought it might be infectious."
Our friend MK is obviously a man of keen intelligence and perfectly fit for the role of a bookie interested in Indian cricket. Or, he may opt for vocations such as politics.
Page 26: "In the second test at Calcutta, Azharuddin informed him that India would lose the test and the result was on similar lines, and MK made up around 60 per cent of his losses."
If only you could earn money on predicting Indian losses! We would all be millionaires.
Page 28: MK has stated that all the information provided by Hansie Cronje turned out incorrect and he suffered huge losses. When he spoke to Hansie Cronje about this, Cronje told him that India had played so badly and missed so many chances that he could not do anything about the result."
Touche. Re: The previous point.
Page 58: NS Sidhu once showed him a black bag containing a large sum of money and said that this was black money which would be converted into white by showing it as farm income."
Who says that you can't grow money?
Page 64: "About his slow batting in the Kanpur One-Dayer against the West Indies in 1994, Manoj (Prabhakar) stated that when Nayan Mongia came to bat, he told him that there were instructions from the dressing room that both of them should bat carefully and not lose their wickets."
Given the fact that this pair makes Rahul Dravid seem a slogger, did they require instructions to bat slowly?
Page 75: "Dr (Ali) Irani further stated that if one studied the body language of the players after a match, then, at times, one could realise that a particular player was involved in match fixing."
Now if only the former team physiotherapist had been as expert at studying the body language of players suffering from injuries that plagued their careers.
Page 78: "(Ajay) Jadeja stated that Uttam Chand used to ring him up often and tell him that he is his fan and if he did not talk to him, he would run into bad luck and because of superstition, he used to return the call."
So this returning of phone calls from a bookie has brought Jadeja good luck?
Page 125: "Ajay Sharma has said that (Nikhil) Chopra once asked him whether he knew any bookies since his sala was interested in knowing."
Anyone who wants to get his brother-in-law involved in betting on Indian cricket deserves the Arjuna Award.
Page 149: "It is obvious that, in spite of their public posturing now, all the office-bearers of BCCI over the past decade or so have been negligent in looking at this problem in spite of clear indications of this malaise making inroads into Indian cricket."
It's unclear whether the malaise mentioned is match fixing, lack of talent or the BCCI.
Additionally, various cricketers were apparently paid huge sums of money to forecast the weather. Now if the ICC were to ban them from the game they could always seek alternate employment as meteorologists or weathercasters for television channels.
Finally, in keeping with the spirit of things, we've also started a book on Indian cricket:
Here are the odds:
4454-I: That any of the implicated cricketers will pay a penalty for their misdeeds.
10045488-I: That any Indian cricket will go to jail on the basis of this report.
456567909-I: That anything will change.
543245-I: That the BCCI will do anything to actually nurture cricket in the country from the zillions it earns.
If you want to wager at these odds, let us know at mkgupta@jaalmag.com.
Being law-abiding citizens (ha!), there's no cash involved in this process, no transactions, in fact, nothing except long-loved notoriety.


RECENTLY ON JAAL:

The United Colours Of Betting
Superstars, Supernovas
India Down Under
Olympian Blunder
Sydney Ho! Ha!
Sports Reports!
Raid Alert!
Cronjology
It's Not Not Cricket
Howzzat? Ask The Third Umpire
Kapil Da Jawab Nahin
Department Of Cricket, Government Of India
Battle Of The Bookies
Interview With A Cricket Captain
A2Z Of Indian Cricket

SEND US YOUR FEEDBACK ABOUT THIS ARTICLE: