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DotComs, By The Numbers
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 Given the chaos of the Indian Internet experience, someone had to step in and find some meaning in this seeming confusion. Obviously, as we always do, we volunteered. We never wait to be asked because no one ever asks us. We commissioned the reputed Foundation for Research and Analysis of Useless Data for the definitive survey of the WWW scenario in the country. After exhausting research, lasting all of 36 minutes and 42 seconds minus a coffee break, they presented us with a 6884-page report and a hefty bill (while we've accepted the former, the latter is being processed or, in other words, the cheque will be in the mail someday, if you're lucky). Here is a summary of the findings:Number of General Indian Portals: 536849. However, this number may not be conclusive as there is always a possibility that a few thousand more were being launched as the report was being compiled and double that numbers closing down or going e-commerce. Our researchers believe that the portal arena may reach its saturation point once there are two portals per Indian surfer. Number of Indian portals with "India" prefixed, suffixed or affixed somehow to their URL: 536003. This again is not conclusive because some portals have resorted to ingenious spelling jugglery to approximate the name. Also, bharat, hindustan and other variants were excluded. Total amount of funding received by Indian websites: $ 34689789. This sum has been arrived at on the basis of careful analysis of industry and media reports. Total amount of adspend by Indian websites: $ 34689780. Money spent on plying pliant IT hacks with booze has not been counted towards promotional expenditure. Total amount of profit generated by Indian websites: Rs 34689. Total amount of B2B and e-commerce oriented Indian websites: 58904. This figure includes several B2C sites that found that not only was gathering eyeballs tough, but getting them to eyeball their credit cards was tougher. Some of the B2C crossovers probably didn't realise that even B2B was a downer and this could lead to a surge in eCRM sites in the near future as they race to keep obsolescence at bay. Number of VCs chasing B2C ideas in 1999: 58904. Number of VCs chasing B2C ideas in 2000: I, a firm that also invested in the Congress. Total profit generated from B2B and e-commerce transactions: Rs 512. this figure, again, is not conclusive. Our analysts believe that actual figure could be as much as 10 per cent higher. They also predict a revenue boom of 25 per cent or more in the next five years. The sunrise area, they state, will be B2B portals engaged in buying and selling B2B portals. Total Number of India-specific vortals: 26743. Our researchers have been careful in selecting vortals for some of them be mortals or portals in mufti. Also, some vortals have mutated into laughing stocks in the industry and have been redesignated as chortles. Total number of surfing hours spent in India: 89843621847. The number of hours spent online. Total number of hours spent in connecting: 89843621848. Average number of pages downloaded per hour: 2.5. There have been reports of some surfers reaching amazing figures of even 6 pages an hour but no live demonstration was possible. Total number of computer-generated nude pictures of Aishwarya Rai on the Net: 632137018435. Total number of pictures of Aishwarya Rai clothed: 6321. Total number of pictures of Salman Khan: 45567. Total number of pictures of Salman Khan with all his clothes on: 0. Total number of cricket sites: 33143. This also includes cricket-oriented sites originating from non-Indian sources which makes for a grand total of 18. Total number of pornographic Indian sites: 3333. This also includes websites that have carried the complete text of the CBI's report on match fixing in Indian cricket. After all, an expose is an expose. Total number of sites dedicated to the Freedom Movement: 3. Total number of Indian directories that are Yahoo rip-offs: 1221. This also includes the innovative indexes that have actually changed the format while lifting the listings. Total number of portals that feature cricket and bollywood channels: 536847. Total number of portals that feature literature and culture channels: 0. Average multiple by which portals publicise their actual pageviews/ visitors: 18. Average multiple by which portals publicise their actual or expected revenue: 123456. Total number of awards won by Indian websites: 3483. Total number of websites giving awards to Indian websites: 3482. Total number of original Santa-Banta jokes on the Net: 3. Original means those jokes where Pat and Mike have not been renamed and Idaho made into Punjab. Total number of ESOPs offered by Indian websites: 455665676. Total value of ESOPs offered by Indian websites: Rs 382. Average signing amount paid by a cricket website to an Indian player for an exclusive contract: Rs 3.50 crore. Average profit generated by cricket websites: Rs 3.50. These are, of course, just an initial sampling of the results of the study. We'll probably have a follow-up when the agency gives us Volume II. But that hinges of whether we pay them. RECENTLY ON JAAL: GoI-ing After Veerappan The Bore-Gush Race Hack Attack! Eee! Governance! Justice Unbound Small States, Large Stakes Con Banega Crorepati Salesman No. 1 Cat And Meows 25 Years After Paswan Goes DOTty Child's Play Toilet Paper Drought And About Boer Boar The Joke's On You The Coming Of Bill SEND US YOUR FEEDBACK ABOUT THIS ARTICLE: ?
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