God leaned back in his puff of cloud and looked around the garden. Invited for his occasional state-of-the-earth address were the following: globocop looking grim, the Russian bear looking smug, the Chinese dragon breathing fire, and Moneyman Sing, the uncrowned king of Chaostan, looking completely lost. (There’d been a few attempted gatecrashings earlier in the hour, most desperately by the poodle from Englistan and the general from Borderstan, but they’d all been foiled by the guardian angel right outside the pearly gates.)
“The state of the earth is bad,” god began when he saw Moneyman Sing beginning to look focussed. “And much of the blame lies with you four…” he continued, looking pointedly at globocop.
“But, dear lord,” globocop interrupted. “I’m only doing your…”
God raised his hand and wagged a finger for silence. “I don’t want to hear any of that,” he said in a voice that betrayed infinite weariness. “Every earthling that comes here says much the same thing.”
“Not me,” the dragon said proudly. “I’m only doing Mao’s bidding.”
“Yes, and that’s another problem we have here…” god glared at the dragon. He then turned to look at the bear (who till recently had been doing Lenin’s bidding), before continuing, “…all this business of no god. First you invent me and then you say I don’t exist. Make up your minds. Do I exist or not?”
“Yes you do, oh lord, yes you do,” the foursome sang in chorus, but it was clear the dragon’s heart was not in his voice.
God let that pass. “Alright then, let’s get down to earth,” he said, and was immediately lost in thought. He was thinking… of globocop’s futile war that was breeding terror instead of exterminating it, of the bear trying to backstab his way to former glory, of the dragon bullying all and sundry, and of Chaostan, where the chaos never stopped reigning.
Globocop, who’d been summoned from the middle of a ranch vacation, was thinking of the angry mother of a dead soldier who was ruining his holiday. The Russian bear was thinking… should he align with the dragon and annoy globocop, align with Chaostan and annoy the dragon, or align with globocop and annoy everyone? The dragon was thinking of his comrades back home… how could he tell them he’d been visiting cloud nine? And Moneyman Sing, the king without a crown, was thinking of his throne… would it still be there when he got back to Dilli or would the empress from Janpath take that away too?
God, who knew what everyone was thinking, shook his head sadly. “You earthlings are hopeless,” he said presently, “there’s no use wasting my time on you. I should be worrying about my beloved globe.”
Globocop put up his hand like a schoolboy and asked, “Globe?”
“Yes, the same one you four are ruining,” god almost shouted. “How long am I going to do patch-up jobs on the ozone layer, for instance? Do you know what it takes? Man, I get a headache just looking at the state of the earth.”
The four earthlings looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders in studied nonchalance.
“The rate at which you’re going…” god continued, “…as if you have someplace else to go. I mean, you can’t even land a shuttle properly, haven’t set foot beyond the moon, and yet you rape the planet so.”
The four earthlings looked at each other and bowed their heads in shame.
“Enough is enough,” the lord said and stood up from his puff of cloud. “I’m now going to teach you a new mantra for the new millennium. Repeat after me. THE ENVIRONMENT…”
“The environment?” globocop asked.
“The environment?” the bear wondered.
“The environment?” the dragon enquired.
“THE ENVIRONMENT…” Moneyman repeated.
God cleared his throat before adding, “…IS THE ONLY GOD THERE IS.”
There was stunned silence, and then Moneyman found his voice, “…IS THE ONLY GOD THERE IS.”
God clapped his hands and waved them goodbye. “That’s right… THE ENVIRONMENT IS THE ONLY GOD THERE IS. Now repeat that carefully all the way home.”
After the earthlings had left god sat down in his puff of cloud and sighed deeply. He then turned to look at his beloved globe… and got an instant headache.