The devil was in his kitchen cooking up trouble as usual when he heard commotion at the door. There was globocop, the Chinese dragon, the richest man in the world, the most wanted man on the planet, a tinpot dictator from a banana republic, a burly sheikh from a desert kingdom, and Moneyman Sing, the uncrowned king of Chaostan. Globocop and the most wanted man on the globe were at each other’s throats (for it was September the eleventh), the rest were merely arguing and shouting at one another.
“What is the matter?” the devil he asked when the seven earthlings settled down in an arc around him. “Why are you fighting?”
Globocop was first on his feet. “Oh lord of the otherworld,” he began forcefully, “these guys here want to strip me off my only claim to fame…”
“Which is?” the devil wasn’t sure.
“The biggest crook in the world,” globocop clarified, spreading his arms wide. “I mean, there’s just no competition. Just look at the scale… all those deaths in Mesopotamia, all that polluting… without me there would be no terrorism, without me there would be no global warming, without me there would be no hurricane Katrina, without me there would be no holes in the ozone layer… I could go on and on, but c’mon, everyone knows I’m the biggest screw-up in a long, long time.”
Hmm… thought the devil… impeccable credentials.
The dragon stoop up next. “I can think of many reasons why I’m the biggest crook of all time,” he boasted recklessly. “But I’ll just state one. I’ve got one-fifth of humanity still doing Mao’s bidding. What could be bigger than that?”
Hmm… thought the devil… very strong case.
Moneyman Sing stood up and cleared his throat politely. “Dear… shaitan…” he began hesitantly, “I might seem like small fry in front of such big-timers, but I think I pulled off the biggest hoax of all time.”
“What did you do?” the devil was surprised. “I thought you were a honest to goodness king without a crown existing solely at the whim of that empress from…”
Moneyman shrugged his shoulders sheepishly before interrupting, “Well, you know… politics… it can bring out the devil in you… er, sorry, I mean, the beast… er, sorry, I meant the…”
The devil was not pleased. “What did you do?” he demanded gruffly.
“Twenty-one years after a genocide right in the heart of Dilli I made sure there would still be no justice. All it took was an apology of an apology and a couple of insignificant resignations.”
Hmm… thought the devil… not bad for a king without a crown.
The most wanted man on the planet stood up. “Your holy darkness,” he said with a gleam in his eye, “I’m easily the greatest crook by far. I mean, I’m just one man, and I’ve got fifty million dollars riding on my head. Can anyone match that? And please don’t forget I’m still free four years after felling the twin towers and shaking up the Pentagon. The whole world loves me, hates me, adores me, loathes me, worships me…”
“Yes, yes, you’re quite a devil aren’t you?” the devil said, and immediately regretted saying it.
“You said it, oh dear shaitan, you said it.”
Hmm… thought the devil… such evil genius.
It was the turn of the tinpot dictator from a banana republic. “Everything you’ve heard so far is nothing, your diabolical highness,” he declared confidently, and sneezed violently. “All I did was take a wild plant, refine things a bit… and I’ve got millions upon millions by their nostrils and billions upon billions in the bank.”
Hmm… thought the devil… by the nostrils that too.
The burly sheikh was next. “That’s nothing, oh master of darkness,” he declared. “I take some dirty liquid oozing out of the ground… don’t even have to refine the thing, you know… and I’ve got the whole world by its carburettors and trillions upon trillions in the bank.”
Hmm… thought the devil… real clever fellow.
The richest man was last. “Oh lord of eternal gloom, all you’ve heard thus far is peanuts compared to what I did,” he muttered in a barely audible mumble. “I took a simple idea… just an idea… and I’ve got almost the whole of mankind by its monitors. And may I remind you I’m still the richest man alive. That by itself shows what a big crook I am.”
Wow, felt the devil, his mind made up. “Friends, I think the choice is clear… the title of Biggest Crook clearly belongs to this genius here.”
While the devil was shaking hands with the richest man the others started arguing and shouting at one another all over again. They were arguing over who was the second biggest crook of them all.