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The Tapes: Replay Exclusive, Explicit, Extreme Expose |
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However, unlike upstart websites we had a product to pander and a carefully worded description of the item printed in a glossy promotional package, all in a snazzy brown envelope. After establishing initial contact with a teaboy outside Sena Bhawan, we were introduced to a chaprasi in the Ministry of Defence who we proceeded to bribe with a packet of bidis. The chaprasi would prove our ladder to infiltrating the higher reaches of the Defence bureaucracy. After a few days of pursuit, getting sozzled in various five-star hotel bars and passing over IOUs worth over a crore rupees (we couldn't afford real money and the Monopoly notes we used once on one Major General were studied suspiciously before being pocketed), we finally arrived in the office of a senior politician, Bagger O'Lakhsman, accompanied by a senior official of the Ministry, General Ghoos. Here are the gory details of that encounter: Jaal: How do you do. We thank you for meeting with us. As a gesture of our gratitude please accept this IOUs which is not in rupees but in dollars and this suitcase. (The suitcase was empty but never inspected). Bagger O'Lakhsman (BOL): Sure, sure, no problem. you know our party is democratic and we need all the money we can get to spread around. General Ghoos (GG): But we also have to talk about the percentage distribution if your product is purchased. You know - kickbacks? Here's the list. (Hands over the list) The list: 10 per cent: Minister 8 per cent: Two senior politicians 6 per cent: Five other middle-rung pols 5 per cent: Six senior MoD officials 5 per cent: Six senior defence personnel 3 per cent: Assorted persons including the chaprasi Total: 149 per cent  Jaal: That's fine. We'll handle that. But I hope there'll be no problem getting the contract…BOL: No, no, not a worry. If any officer objects, he can be court-martialled or transferred to Siachen. If a babu objects….no, no, that'll never happen. Jaal: But what happens if the product fails the trial? GG: Trial, shial…what's the difference? We'll simply say that the test was conducted in camera and we need this because the Pakis have it. But, more importantly, how much is your consignment worth? Jaal: Two, three rupees… GG: What??? Two, three rupees…!!! Jaal: No, no, sorry, sorry, slip of the tongue. Two, three zillion rupees. BOL: That's better. (Starts calculating percentages and emerges with a smile). Let's have a drink to that. GG: Small question, don't mind. What exactly is your product? Jaal: Oh! It's the finest missile delivery system possible. It works on the principle of kinetic discharge, it undergoes an intensive process of tensile fabrication under a highly standardised, quality-controlled environment, operational requirements are minimal, training is simple and it can be introduced into real conditions in no time. Did I mention that's it's very portable and comes with its own scratch card which could win you a trip to Ghaziabad and back? BOL: Wonderful, marvellous. You know we can't just purchase any old shoddy product. That damn Abdul Kalam could crib and those bloody bleeding heart liberals keep complaining about corruption in high quarters undermining the bravery of the jawans dying at the borders… GG: Yes, yes. We'll have the payment sent to you soon after we receive the first instalment of the equipment and, of course….he he he…. Meeting ends. Postscript: Given the integrity of those in Jaal, we never actually accepted the payment and, sadly, that damning tape was accidentally destroyed by the resident dog when it mistook it for a bone or cat or whatever. But, we did send the Government the consignment in a specially parcelled box. The contents: One hundred rubber bands and paper pellets. RECENTLY ON JAAL: The Naked Truth About Sinha's Dream Budget Give Us This Day Our Daily Disaster A Dip Into The Kumbh Hype Hype Hurray The A 2 Z Of Y2K What's Behind Bush? The Florida Ceasefire The Damn Dam Controversy A Weak-Kneed Operation Faster, Higher, Stranger You Have The Right To Be A Volunteer The ICE ICE Baby A Tale Of The Jungle King The Secret Autonomy Report Report When Batsman Became Betsman India's Human Genome Projectile Stone Age Flaws In ICE Age Laws A Dry Spell For Policy Planning Lara's Theme Dotcom Bubble Gum: Burst Or Bust Inside A VIP Cell A To Do About Dos A Dress Code For Klintonji Al Faridi Gnuman is an arms dealer though he does sometimes also supply feet. SEND US YOUR FEEDBACK ABOUT THIS ARTICLE:
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