England's cricketers reeling from two successive defeats may think they have piles of problems in the current Ashes series against the rampaging Australians. But its nothing compared to that faced - if that is the correct word here - by star Aussie opener Matthew Hayden. Hayden you may recall hammered England into submission in the first Test at Brisbane with scores of 197 and 103.
The man with a backside the size of a bus had given Indian bowlers a torrid time too last year. Now it has been revealed he is being made the 'butt' of jokes Down Under since he has just been operated upon for a painful case of haemorrhoids - piles to you and me. But England can think again if they imagine the man who has been such a pain in the ass will be resting on his laurels, sorry backside. Hayden is made of sterner stuff and is expected to play in the third Test at Perth starting on November 29 pumped full of pain-killers- and please don't ask where. This medical malaise incidentally is most suffered by wicket-keepers who have to squat hundreds of times a day during a match.
Hayden though is not the only one with injury problems to intimate areas. Sri Lanka's spin wizard is currently Down Under too - but not for playing cricket. He is undergoing a hernia operation. Apparently they don't have such expertise in the Emerald Isle. A slight variation perhaps on Indian politicians 'air-dashing' to the United States for medical care, all of which is readily available back home.
Last year Harbhajan Singh became perhaps the first cricketer to miss a Test match with what was delicately referred to at the time as "an infection in the abdominal region" - that's good old 'dhobi's itch'.
News has also come through that Rashid Latif, the man who proved to be such a pain in the neck to many of Pakistan's ace match-fixers has just announced his retirement from Test cricket-due to a pain in the neck. The stiff neck may have been a result of all that whistle blowing.
If England's cricket team right now more resembles a hospital ward they should be grateful none of them suffered the fate of two of their star players on the 1992 tour of India.
Graham Gooch and Mike Gatting-also known as 'Fat Gatt' for his ample girth and appetite - had to miss the Test match at Chennai. The reason? Upset stomachs after eating one prawn too many at the dinner at their luxury hotel the night before. 'Prawns stop play' could well have been the headline during the Calcutta Test when the West Indies first toured in 1948-49. The Test had to be held up as the fielders and one of the umpires as well made frequent sprints to the pavilion loo following a sumptuous and traditional Bengali 'jhingri' curry dinner the night before!
England fast bowler Alf Gover must have felt relieved about his fast run up even as he was relieving himself during a tour to India in the 20s. He sprinted past the stumps and down the pitch all the way to the pavilion, shouting on the way "sorry skipper, must go."
The booby prize for worst and most embarrassing debility though must surely go to England batting legend of the 30s and 40s, Wally Hammond. Hammond picked up VD during a visit to a brothel in the West Indies in 1928. With penicillin yet to be invented he had to endure a lifetime of pain and discomfort, forcing him to frequently skip matches under mysterious circumstances.
The most freakish injury? Probably the one suffered by former India fast bowler Vivek Razdan. He broke his finger - while posting a letter in Madras!!!


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