India’s former defense minister George Fernandes has vowed never to visit the United States again, never to put himself in such discomfort again. You see, back in 2002, when Fernandes was still in office, he paid an official visit to America, expecting to be treated like a foreign dignitary. But when he tried to board a plane at Washington’s Dulles airport, he was treated like just another passenger with dark skin and an accent.
At the security checkpoint, Fernandes was asked to remove his coat, shoes and socks, despite protests from the Indian ambassador.
Ambassador: “Please! You can’t search him! He’s our defense minister!” Security officer: “Defense minister? Does he have any arms?”
Ambassador: “Yes, he has two. Just like every …”
Officer: “Security alert! Security alert! This man is armed!”
Ambassador: “No, please! I meant a left and right one! Don’t worry, Mr. Fernandes, I will take a photo of this improper search as evidence of American disrespect. Now where did I put my Canon?”
Officer: “Security alert! Security alert! This man is carrying a cannon!”
Fernandes: “Mr. Ambassador, if you keep helping me, you might find yourself out of a job.”
Ambassador: “No, please! I just wanted to take a shot!”
Officer: “Security alert! Security alert! One man wants to take a shot with his cannon and the other man looks like he’s about to do some firing!”
Fernandes swallowed the indignity and made a stopover in Washington in mid-2003. Once again, instead of going straight through the airport, he was put through the airstrip.
Officer: “Security alert! Security alert! It’s that defense minister again. And he looks like he wants to harm us.”
While Fernandes’ encounters with airport security, revealed in a new book, have caused great offense in India, they should provide reassurance to airline passengers in America, knowing that their safety is of prime concern and they can fly anywhere without worrying that their plane might be hijacked at any moment by another country’s defense minister.
Security officials are well-trained these days and know that a defense minister, being in charge of a country’s defense, has access to all kinds of weapons. Some of these weapons, as President Bush has told us many times, are definitely “nucular.” India has “nucular” weapons, as do several other countries, the ones that will be invaded during the second term. The defense ministers of these countries should be prepared for airport searches, but so should the defense ministers of smaller, less powerful countries, whether their armies use low-range missiles or are only equipped with slingshots.
In general, it’s wise for a defense minister to stay inside the country he’s supposed to be defending. Leave the foreign trips to the foreign minister. Or send other cabinet members, the ones who pose no danger to airline safety. Nobody would bother searching, for example, the Minister of Sports and Recreation. What’s he going to carry, a javelin? The same goes for the Minister of Agriculture. What’s she going to carry, a carrot?
No cabinet member is as dangerous as the one in charge of defense. At least that’s what I thought – until I heard that security officials in India are eagerly awaiting a visit from Donald Rumsfeld.