New York is the biggest, baddest city in the world, or at least that’s what all New Yorkers who haven’t been to Beijing (is that the official Chinese spelling today?) or Karachi think. However, we can agree that New York is big (big enough to accommodate the egos of New Yorkers) and bad (bad enough to pay to have matzo balls on the menu). However, there are enough Indians in New York (there were some Pakistanis but they’re all stuck at the Canadian border now) to make it desi-friendly for the visitor who is interested in a taste (and smell and deafening sound) of home. Here’s a ready reckoner of what’s new and sizzling on the Indian scene in the Big Apple.

Bhangra: Basement Bhangra is the hottest party in the city for Indians who feel homesick for scratching their crotch in a public place and to indulge in other equally enjoyable gyrations. Basement Bhangra has become so popular in New York that some desi entrepreneurs are actually eyeing it as a model to replicate for quick profits. So, a group of desis will be joining together to offer an alternate: Cheaper rates at the door, cheaper drinks (just like the tharra brewed at home) and cheaper girls. They’re planning on calling it Bargain Basement Bhangra.

Food: You can get a taste of virtually everything that India has to offer in terms of cuisine in New York, except for one ingredient – taste. But don’t worry, the desi restaurants will more than make up for that by charging outrageous prices ($12 for a paper dosa, and $12 extra for the toilet paper you’ll require after that dosa does things to your innards) to make up for the lack of taste, culinary or otherwise. So, when you’re retching the next morning, remember that that is a bout of “expensive” diarrhea.

Bollywood: There is Bollywood all over the city. In fact, if you go down to Central Park you’ll find boys and girls dancing around the trees with a complete orchestra playing in the background. Hang on. That’s not really a girl, that’s a transvestite…but then given how desi heroes look now, does it really make a difference? No, really, Bollywood is truly popular. Hindi movies make for record attendances, especially because of cheap Gujaratis who have to stop over in the city for four hours and refuse to spring for the price of a hotel room.

Books: At last count, there were 345,687,455 books published here by Indian authors recounting with nostalgic longing and bittersweet memories their childhood in an Indian city. This has made things difficult for wannabe writers. New York agents are no longer interested in seeing books set in cities such as Delhi, Mumbai, Chennai, Bangalore or Kolkata or even Amritsar, Hyderabad or Shillong. So, they’re desperate to find new locales. According to demographers, several writers have been relocating to towns like Jhajjar, Dumka or Machchlipattinam, just so they have something fresh to offer their readers.

So, remember, next time you’re in New York, you’ll feel right at home, especially after you’ve been run over by a cab driven by a burly sardar hurling expletives at you.